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outsider: a person not belonging to a particular group, set, party, etc.: synonyms:alien, floater, foreigner, incomer, interloper, intruder, newcomer, odd one out, outlander, refugee, stranger.

That seems like the perfect word for me. At least most of the time. I can't always pinpoint why I am the outsider, but I generally feel that way. Born the third girl in a line of four children with the last one being a boy. Born the only blond, and having interests completely different from any of the others. I never have seem to fit in, anywhere.

Maybe you feel the same way. Misplaced. Not a jock, not a nerd, not popular. Just somewhere in between.

I eventually grew up and found my way. Went away to college. Found love and got married. Married at a younger age than anyone else in my family, always rather financially challenged, and had a large family. I have been blessed with four great little men. That in itself makes me different. Chose to be a stay at home mom, another unpopular choice by consensus. Then to top that off I "let myself go". I gained 225 "extra" pounds and became obese. I have come to realize that I have an addiction to food. But with counseling I am overcoming that addiction and have lost over one hundred of those pounds. I am sure that feeling like an outsider has not helped my addiction.

I notice when I am having conversations with others that I am not very well received. I don't know if it is the weight issues, or my exuberant personality or if they see horns on my head that I don't know about. Am I intimidating, scary, ugly, stinky? No one is sharing any insight on the matter. Maybe they are afraid of hurting my feelings. I don't know. But maybe I could improve if someone would just share. Then again, I shouldn't care what they think or feel. I am who I am and that is all there is to the matter. At least that is what my intellect ( and therapist) tell me. But my heart aches a little when I think about being the outsider and not belonging. Then living in a house with all men doesn't make me feel anymore included...go figure. Maybe when I am finished with my journey of weightloss and searching I will have it all figured out. But maybe not. I am what I am and that is all there is to it.

Learn more about this author, Amy Fletcher.
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