by Jerrie Lynn South-DeRose

Created on: July 17, 2009

How Lying Affects an Intimate Relationship Between Two Adults

There are many components to a successful and long term relationship, with intimacy being one of those components. Intimacy is not only about sex, intimacy is the deep emotional, spiritual, and mental connection that exists between two persons involved in a relationship. Intimacy is at the core of the relationship, and the foundation upon which the relationship is built.

Lying creates fissures in the foundation of the relationship in that the person who has been lied to begins to question the quality and validity of said relationship and whether they can continue to trust their partner. The person who has been lied to may begin to wonder why their partner lied to them in the first place and whether that person might lie to them in the future. Other questions can spring from that conjecture such as the recipient of the lie wondering if that was the first and only lie they had been told, why their partner would feel the need to lie, was the lie covering something up, and could they continue to be intimate with someone who had lied to them?

A lie is a definitive indication that there is something that one partner does not want the other partner to know about them. This is why doubt about the relationship may also begin to grow from the aforementioned questions. Doubt can, in turn, lead to a loss of trust, which is another important benchmark in a relationship. No matter what reason the person gives for having lied, even if the lie was told to spare the feelings of the other person in the relationship, the damage has been done. Forgiveness, on the other hand, may be achievable at some point once the hurt feelings have had time to subside.

According to Shepherd Hoodwin in Notes on Intimacy, honesty is an important key to a successful and intimate relationship. The author further states that it is much easier to maintain credibility in a relationship if you start out being credible. This is not to say, however, that the persons in the relationship need to talk about things that they're not ready to talk about. Communicating boundaries clearly and concisely to the partner during the early stages of intimacy

Continuing or regaining a high level of intimacy is dependant on the level of empathy and the desire of each party to save the relationship. Dissecting the lie all the way to its roots is part of the key, as is the emotional and spiritual importance of intimacy that exists, or once existed, between the two parties in the relationship before the lie was told. Communication is paramount when it comes to continuing, or rebuilding the relationship.

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