by Kenneth Gregory Smith

Created on: July 17, 2009   Last Updated: December 03, 2009

When a person who suffers from a poor self-concept enters into a relationship, they are often looking for the other person to fill them. In other words, because the person doesn't like themselves, they create a fantasy that if they can get the other person to love them, their self-concept problem will be solved.

Unfortunately, this turns out to be a flawed idea! Why? Very simple. No one can make us happy! Another person may be temporarily able to create some good feelings for another, but inevitably, those feelings will burn out. We are not created to get fulfillment from others, we are created to find inner fulfillment from who WE are, not from someone else.

Another problem is what is commonly known as "co-dependency." There are many definitions of co-dependency, but my favorite one (and in my opinion most accurate) is an addiction to people pleasing. For example, the person with a low self-concept-that is, they don't like or accept who they are-creates a false belief that if they can just please the other person, everything will be fine because the other person will appreciate their efforts. Again, this goes against reality. A people pleasing person eventually loses respect of the other. The other may begin to feel smothered by the people pleaser with a low self-concept. There is constant pressure for the other person to praise the people pleaser. This creates an unhealthy relationship because love is a choice, not a compulsion.

When the person with a poor self-concept begins to understand that their attempts to find fulfillment in another is not working, several responses can occur. The person can become angry and demanding. The person can become depressed and withdrawn. Or the person can sever the relationship and try to find someone else to play the same game with.

Is there hope for the person with a poor self-concept. You bet there is! Obviously, counseling can help this person to understand the roots of the low self esteem and to learn skills for improving the esteem. It will take some hard work and most likely a commitment by the person to intentionally disengage from any relationships until the person feels better about themselves.

Healthy relationships happen when two people who are healthy in themselves choose to enter a relationship. They are in the relationship to enhance themselves, but not to fix themselves or use the other person to make them happy.

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