Probably one of the wisest things that was ever said to me was in graduate school when a wise Therapist and Professor said to our class, "Get out some paper and write this down and put it on your refrigerator door" and with that he took out his chalk and wrote in big letters on the blackboard the following statement:
The purpose of the task is to strengthen the relationship. He explained that whenever you are involved in helping people you care about, such as your family, you must put aside the attitude that the kids need to do chores perfectly, that rules can never be renegotiated as circumstances change, and that your role as a parent means you should always maintain control.
We love our kids and we want the best for them so naturally we want to support them when we can. Sometimes that means moving back in when you finally got used to being alone. Just as you finally cleared the clutter and set up your arts and crafts room, devoted a spot to exercise and the private office just the way you wanted it.
But now they are back and while moving stuff around again may not be great fun, the thing that really matters is the relationship you maintain with your kids. So going back to the Professor's statement, the purpose of the task of supporting your adults kids is to strengthening that relationship.
In this economy the likelihood that they could be with you for awhile make it necessary to be sure to follow a few simple guidelines:
1) Establish boundaries. The saying, "If momma ain't happy, then nobody is happy" couldn't be closer to the truth. If you don't have a personal zone where you can go to have private time you are sowing the seeds of resentment. When my kids moved back in I established the master bedroom and bath as my personal sanity zone. Whenever, I started to feel crowded I could retreat to my own private space.
2) Routines need to be respected. If taking your bubble bath at night is important and your routine is to soak your arthritic joints in soothing warm water, you better make sure that you communicate that as a priority. Negotiate when people will take showers, cook meals or other daily tasks. Communicating who will be doing what and when will help avoid disagreements.
3) If the kids can not help with paying the bills to cover additional costs while they are with you, have them help with things they can. Negotiate when those tasks should be done so that everyone is clear about what is to be done and when it should be completed. Avoid being unreasonable in making requests.
4) Initiate boundaries for household balance. For example, it's one thing to expect the kids and perhaps the grandkids to be in your home, but adding their partying friends, the sleepovers for the kids and the music and TV blaring till the early hours of the morning are not going to make for a peaceful existence. It's your home, establish visiting and quiet hours is imperative.
5) Don't be a push over. It makes no sense cosigning on loans and it isn't going to help the relationship to keep forking over money you can't afford to blow just to make life easy for the kids. If you exhaust your funds, energy and health you will ultimately have nothing left to give in the future. Instead, help them to make a budget and set financial goals that will help them not just for today but for years into the future.
6) Establish traditions. Back several generations ago, grandparents served a vital role in teaching and establishing family traditions. When I was young we always went to grandma's house for holiday dinners and to watch the big game while the pies were baking. You undoubtedly have memories to share too. Have fun being creative with activities designed to give meaning to your relationship. Tell stories about your parents and how things were when you were in school, the clothing that was in style and so forth. You might be amazed how interested the grand kids will be. Read stories and help them develop a love for learning. You're not just letting them know how much you love them, you're also instilling values that help build character as well.
7) Establish communication guidelines. It is OK to disagree but it doesn't mean you have to be disagreeable. People are not for screaming at and that doesn't solve anything or maintain relationships to do so. Use "I" statements when expressing how you feel. Rather than saying, "You're making me mad when you do that!" Say, "Whenever I see that behavior I feel frustrated. Can we talk about how to modify how that is done so we both get what we need?" In this way you communicate what is bothering you and there are no blaming statements. No one has to be the bad guy and people have a better chance of getting what they need without conflict.
8) Redirect rather than punish. The research is clear, punishment does not work. When you want to have the grandkids do something and their parent's are touchy about your correcting them, try this. Instead of saying, "No you can't have any candy, you have had enough" which sets up a tantrum try this approach. "I'd love to give you another piece of candy, as soon as you finish dinner and your room is cleaned up, you can have another piece." In this way you are redirecting them while instructing them what they need to do to get what they want by doing what you want. In effect, you still said "No" but they'll love you for they way you said it!
Sometimes, life throws a few curve balls that requires a few sacrifices such as sharing your home with the adult children again. While it may not be an ideal situation it is doable. As long as you remember that the purpose of the task is to strengthen the relationship, you will be taking the higher road and maintaining a healthy relationship. Who knows, it might be a great time to bond like you have never done before. Just remember to use sound guidelines and enjoy the process!