by Joy Johnson

Created on: July 16, 2009   Last Updated: July 17, 2009

Probably one of the wisest things that was ever said to me was in graduate school when a wise Therapist and Professor said to our class, "Get out some paper and write this down and put it on your refrigerator door" and with that he took out his chalk and wrote in big letters on the blackboard the following statement:

The purpose of the task is to strengthen the relationship. He explained that whenever you are involved in helping people you care about, such as your family, you must put aside the attitude that the kids need to do chores perfectly, that rules can never be renegotiated as circumstances change, and that your role as a parent means you should always maintain control.

We love our kids and we want the best for them so naturally we want to support them when we can. Sometimes that means moving back in when you finally got used to being alone. Just as you finally cleared the clutter and set up your arts and crafts room, devoted a spot to exercise and the private office just the way you wanted it.

But now they are back and while moving stuff around again may not be great fun, the thing that really matters is the relationship you maintain with your kids. So going back to the Professor's statement, the purpose of the task of supporting your adults kids is to strengthening that relationship.

In this economy the likelihood that they could be with you for awhile make it necessary to be sure to follow a few simple guidelines:

1) Establish boundaries. The saying, "If momma ain't happy, then nobody is happy" couldn't be closer to the truth. If you don't have a personal zone where you can go to have private time you are sowing the seeds of resentment. When my kids moved back in I established the master bedroom and bath as my personal sanity zone. Whenever, I started to feel crowded I could retreat to my own private space.

2) Routines need to be respected. If taking your bubble bath at night is important and your routine is to soak your arthritic joints in soothing warm water, you better make sure that you communicate that as a priority. Negotiate when people will take showers, cook meals or other daily tasks. Communicating who will be doing what and when will help avoid disagreements.

3) If the kids can not help with paying the bills to cover additional costs while they are with you, have them help with things they can. Negotiate when those tasks should be done so that everyone is clear about what is to be done and when it should be completed. Avoid

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