by Terin Copening

Created on: July 15, 2009

We've all heard of and learned the values of sharing since we were toddlers. We should share our toys and our feelings. Yet, there does come a point in time when sharing is not such a good idea. We should not share homework or parents. How many times have you heard a married couple refer to their spouse's parents as "mom" and "dad"? Many times, no doubt. But shouldn't there be some line of distinction?

Admittedly, my relationship with my in-laws is cordial, at best. Does that have any affect on my relationship with my husband? Absolutely not. And it shouldn't. The same is true with my parents and my husband. We keep a respectful distance and recognize that while they may be my spouse's parents, they are my "in-laws". In-laws are marked off limits and are not to be shared.

The role of a parent is to advise and give counsel. A parent also has a natural bias towards their own child. Given this bias, a "married-in" child should not expect the same advice that the parent would give to their own child, especially in matters of the couple's marriage. It is difficult for a parent to accept and understand that their child is in the wrong. So while I'm not saying that it's wrong to get counsel from your in-laws, you should be willing to accept that the advice will be tinged (or stained) with parental bias.

And if you will forgive me for saying so (as I mean this in the most loving way possible), in-laws are dangerous. After 18 years of growing up with your parents, you have learned that silence is golden sometimes. There are just some things that you don't want your parents to know or that you've learned you should not discuss with your parents as they just won't understand. As a new child in this family, by treating the in-laws as you would your own parents, you could be crossing unknown lines and getting yourself or your spouse in serious trouble. We've all seen those movies where the new daughter or new son is having a pleasant dinner with the family and then says exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time which causes a new level of "uncomfortable silence".

It is this that prompts me to keep my relationship with mother and father-in-law in check. Should you love them? Sure, smother them in love and hugs and kisses. Should you trust them? With your spouse's life (as that is their child and they would want nothing bad to happen to them). Should you adopt them? Absolutely not.

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