by Carolyn Tytler

Created on: July 15, 2009

So, you're married and you feel your mother is interfering? You may very well be right. Your life has lately undergone a major change, and so has hers. Don't judge her too harshly. Someday, you may find yourself standing in a parent's shoes.

Being a mother is not easy, it is a difficult, almost all-consuming task. For twenty odd years or more, being "Mom" was her one of her most defining roles. If you were well and happy, in all likelihood, she was too. If you were ill or unhappy, she was upset too.

Then all too suddenly, things changed. You became someone's spouse, she became someone's mother-in-law. Both of you need time, probably lots of it, to adjust to these new roles.

For many years, your lives have been intimately intertwined. First you were her baby, then her little boy or girl, then her teenager, and lately her grown-up son or daughter.

To you, since you drew your first breath, she's always been "Mom", your next-of-kin, your caregiver, advisor, perhaps the only one in your life whom you could trust 100% to always act in your best interest, even if it meant doing something that was detrimental to her own welfare.

Through her efforts, you grew into a fine adult, able to give and receive love, and capable of supporting yourself and contributing to the welfare of a family of your own. In the fullness of time, as was to be expected, you got married.

For the first time since you were born, your mother had to assume second place in your life. She was no longer your caregiver, your primary advisor, or your next-of-kin. Your spouse took over all those roles. In theory, she probably accepted these changes. Time marches on and no one lives forever. At least when she passes on, she could be assured you'd be taken care of, and that's good.

But wait, when the first little bump in the road comes along, and she perceives that her child isn't receiving the care or attention that he or she deserves, she'll arise like a wounded lioness to come to its aid.

Doesn't she realize that she's probably damaging her future relationship with your spouse and parent of future grandchildren? Of course, but old habits are not easily overcome. Her child's welfare takes precedence over all other considerations.

If this sounds like your mom, what can you do? How can you get her off your back?

* Be patient. Like all great changes, this will take time.

* She needs to refocus on her other roles in life: as a wife, a friend, an aunt, or a neighbor.

* She needs to rediscover former areas of interest or find new ones: volunteering, hobbies, interest courses, or political activism. There are a thousand possibilities, but it will take time.

* Of course nothing will deflect her interest from you like a new grandchild! However, if this doesn't fit in with your plans, perhaps you could get her a kitten or a puppy.

Whatever you do, be kind. She invested a large area of her life in you, and most mothers will, in time, readjust their priorities.

There's an old adage, "What goes around, comes around". More often than not, it's proven to be true. Someday, it may be your son or daughter who's newly married, and you'll be the one who has trouble untying the apron strings. Treat your mom as you would hope be treated when that day arrives.

However, as long as there's breath in her body, and even into eternity, she'll always be your mother. If you need her, she'll be right there at your side, ready to do whatever she can to help you. That's one aspect of motherhood that will never change.

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