by Christine Masssie

Created on: July 14, 2009   Last Updated: July 15, 2009

You teach people how to treat you by how you treat yourself. If you don't love, honor, and care for yourself, chances are neither will anyone else. Human beings are not born with low self-esteem. Really, it is quite the opposite. If you ask a room full of kindergartners who can draw well, a dozen hands will shoot eagerly up in the air in response. If you ask a lecture hall full of college students the same question, you would be lucky to get a handful of reluctant respondents. We come into the world full of esteem for how perfectly we are formed, we have to be taught that we are not.

Competition for resources is among our first lessons. Instinctively we fight to gain what we feel we need to survive. Infants smile and coo at their mother's face to gain her attention and affection, that failing, they cry and demand in their best effort to get their needs met. It does not take long for an infant to learn which strategy is most effective in their effort to thrive in their new environment. Even before words, parents teach begin to teach their children their place in the hierarchy of their world.

As a child's world expands, new relationships and experiences shape the child's own view of himself. Without perceived or reinforced successes, a child can lose faith in his own ability to cope with the world around him. A child without confidence or esteem for his or her own worth will grow to adulthood lacking the basic emotional tools to form a healthy relationship.

Low self esteem can manifest it's way in a relationship in many destructive ways. People that feel unworthy of love can stay in physically or emotionally abusive relationships for years because they don't feel they deserve better. Low self esteem can also create the abusers themselves, feeling that physical power over their partners is the only way the can keep partner in a relationship.

As in all human traits, there is a continuum. Not everyone with a self-esteem problem is going to be a door-mat or an abuser. Some folks will deal with their low self-esteem by trying to impress with outside trappings, big houses, fast cars, flashy clothes. Others will compensate by repeatedly entering relationships with unavailable partners, hoping to prove themselves worthy.

No matter how it manifests itself in a relationship, low self-esteem is destructive. Only by recognizing and dealing with the issue can the problems be alleviated and the relationship continue toward a healthy a fulfilling one for both parties.

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