by Chrystal Mahan

Created on: July 14, 2009

I just can't walk away. I can not turn my back and let you go. I should. Maybe it's what you want. It's what you need. Who knows? But, the reality is...I tried to go, and there you were stopping me. Why? Why did you always stop me? ALWAYS!

How many times did we go through this? Think one of us was leaving, for whatever the reason.

How many times did you tell them you were afraid to lose me? Afraid that you being so far away would pose a problem that I would find someone closer, perhaps someone better.

I don't want closer. I don't want better. I only want you.

I knew this would happen. I just knew it. I wanted to go, to save us from this, and now, here we are. I trusted you, I gave you my all. I didn't want to let you in,but you came in. I put my walls up and you came over them;climbed right on over, and then just tore them down. Maybe I have no one to blame but myself. I should have known better to let you in.

Fairy tales are just that, tales. I honestly believed, we could have what we shared, cherish it, just enjoy it for what it was, the rest of our life.

Never asking for anything more then what it was. Nothing more then what we had. That was the reality. We each knew the other had a different life. Reality. At times it hit us in the face. But we knew. We knew it would never be more then what it was. We were ok with that. I was ok with that. I never asked you for more.

At first, I was sad. I read that first email and my heart just bleeds. I bleed for you. I never bleed for anyone. For myself only. But, here I am, deep in a pool of it. Crimson red. I cry a tear. Then more tears following.

Drip Drop, Drip Drop. Falling in that pool of blood.

Mixing.

Emotions entwined.

Entangled.

My heart now mangled.

I should hide. I shouldn't let you see. Not suppose to let you see. Suppose to be strong. Always strong. Never let them see you cry. Crying only makes them run away. That's what I keep getting told. But, I cant help it.

I felt you pulling away. I felt you leaving. You need to go. I don't want you to. Never want you to. But, can't you see?

It's what you need to do. All I am gonna do is cause you confusion until you can find your balance in life. Part of me in running away, part of me is pushing you away, and the other part is hanging on to that last little thread. I am selfish when it comes to you.

CONFUSED! I am so confused I am not clear. What do I do? What direction should I take?

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