by S Vitrolica

Created on: July 14, 2009

You had eyes as clear and cold as ice. We laid on the trunk of my car, in the humid Austin night, the open sky teasing us, coaxing us to believe that we were different. You stroked my hair, told me again that you loved me. I said I didn't know, hadn't planned on this, even as your warmth folded into my solitude, convincing me. I felt you as if you were me.

Winding, scraping, blissfully turning one into each other, I discovered myself, a girl, becoming woman, through you. You touch frightened me into existence. I hardly knew how to contain the elation, and desire. You weren't that beautiful, but I felt when I saw into your eyes, that you were. What was once perceived as lightness, later, after certain events, became blue as ice, and cold.

I didn't plan on being betrayed. I didn't plan on having to explain to you why I changed when I discovered that you'd been with her when you told me. I thought you were a god, incapable of such a low, animal act. You had spoken of things high and noble, I could not fit the pieces together. I was still a kid, gangly, loyal and awkward, how could I understand self-destruction or appetite? You said the appetite was only hers, ha, a likely story. I may have believed then, but trust me, you have since been demoted in my esteem.

I stayed. I shouldn't have, but I was too weak to go. I hate that now, when I think about myself, when I think about the days when I was so weak.

You saved me, then you viciously, heartfully condemned me. But I was not your victim. I was a stupid girl who made a stupid choice. And then another. I let you have me, and then I stayed. What was it in me that made you want to break me so?

I became numb, robotic, desperate. For a long time after I was ashamed of myself, my inability to burst free during those three long years. (They seem so brief now, a glimpse.) At the time they were all I knew. Alone. With you.

You began to drink. You were mean. You said that I'd changed, that you fell in love with me because I was light and free, that I had changed, that you had been mistaken. I didn't answer and this only angered you more - hot tears rolling down my trembling cheeks as I groped to find words that would appease you. They escaped me. I fell into a bundle, fetal, head cradled between shaking hands.

Please, I said, hanging on to what I wanted so desperately to believe, that you were good, that you were ready for sacrifice. You were only infuriated by my plea, became red, shouted, ordering me to fight.

I could only sit on my hands and stare into your pain.

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