by Matt Bird

Created on: July 13, 2009

Let's face it, work gets pretty boring sometimes. Even if your desk is buried under massive piles of work, you won't always want to do it - and on those horrid occasions, you'll need an alternative form of recreation to get you back in the spirit of productivity.

One solution is to bug your co-workers. They're presumably there for your amusement, after all, so you may as well take advantage of their forced proximity. Here are a few tips for annoying your poor neighbors, thereby enriching your own life and making theirs into a living hell.

- Make lots of phone calls, and talk reeeeeeeally looooooudly. Be sure that you phone people who tell lots of jokes, whether they're good or not, and laugh boisterously at every one of them. You'll be considered obnoxious in no time.

- Alternatively, if you have no one to phone, just talk to yourself and make up long-winded conversations that have no obvious ending point. Again, laugh loudly and often. You can also yell a lot in order to make others nervous.

- Put an annoying, long-winded and loud ring tone on your cellular phone. Something by Britney Spears or Usher will do nicely for this. I've personally found 'Poker Face' to be my most hated ring tone, as one of my friends has been using it for ages now, though any song can get irritating after 5,000 calls.

- Force people to be incredibly specific in their requests. Many will give you tasks with a few stated goals and many that are simply implied. Only complete what's told to you and then say 'you didn't tell me to' when they ask you why you didn't do this, that or the other thing.

- Consistently neglect to do something simple which you should always remember. Like, for example, stapling reports, putting your name on them or doing them in the first place.

- Use lots of stupid joke items. Whoopie cushions, pull my finger devices and joy buzzers all work wonders. You'll soon be the office joker, and everybody will hate your guts for it, as joke items are only funny once or twice.

- Tell the same story over and over at lunch, on breaks or whenever you get the chance. Always claim you forgot you'd already told it.

- Steal all the staples in the office. Every last one.

- Once that's done, also steal all the paper clips.

- Phone in simple requests to people that will require them to come to you rather than simply going to them. Claim to have some sort of bad leg that prevents you from moving strenuously - then, on the way out to your car at the end of the day, run by them while waving.

- Mix up names, or constantly get them wrong. People hate that.

- And, my favorite of all, pass the buck like crazy. This requires you to be slightly advanced in your company. Once you have subordinates you can delegate responsibilities to, give them absolutely everything and spend your time developing your Solitaire skills. Or, for extra points, take up an instrument and play it loudly while they're busy doing your work.

If you aren't universally hated after all this, you're doing something seriously wrong.

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