The teen years are a paradox. Teens are engaged in a profound struggle to become autonomous and establish their own identity, separate from their parents' values and expectations. They compulsively challenge and reject virtually everything adults, particularly parents, tell them. At the same time, they need the stability, wisdom, and acceptance of those adults more than ever to shed light on their path, encourage them, and keep them from getting lost.
Sexuality is a mine field of hidden dangers. It is not necessary to show ID, pass an exam, or demonstrate a particular level of skill. Peer and media pressure suggest that sexual activity is both a badge of maturity and a key to bliss. Hormones are raging, impulse control is shaky, and information is not always reliable.
A teen who chooses sexual activity needs practical guidance to avoid disease and unwanted pregnany, as well as guidelines for distinguishing between nurturing sexual relationships and abusive ones. For the teen who chooses to abstain, this information is largely theoretical, but s/he will need coaching to manage sexual impulses and withstand pressure to have sex.
Ideally, discussions of sexuality will flow naturally out of a securely established foundation of open communication. If you have never discussed sex with your child, or you have not been able to have any productive discussions about other issues, it might be better to rely on the help of a health care professional or other mentor. If you work on improving your relationship in all areas of your life, you may find that sex finds its way into your conversation.
An informal, indirect approach is most likely to get you an invitation into your teens' private thoughts. Watch some of the TV shows they watch, ask about their Internet life, and listen carefully when they discuss what their friends, classmates, and favorite media stars are doing. Ask some open-ended questions, such as, "Do you think that's the best way to handle that?" "What would you do?" and "What do you think?" Learn the art of active listening, and curb your judgemental impulses. If your teen asks for your input, try not to gloat. Keep your answer short, specific and simple, inviting further discussion.
Be sure you are adequately and reliably informed. Investigate the sexual education curriculum at your child's school. Talk to your child's teachers and peers, and get in touch with what is hot and what is not. This is not a good time to be a dinosaur. Visiting a reproductive clinic with your teen may be acutely embarrassing, but it will flush out some issues you have not considered.
Use discretion about disclosing your own sexual experiences. Teen-agers tend to be uncomfortable with the idea that their parents are sexual beings. Revelations which are intended as cautionary tales ("I had to get married because I was pregnant with you, and it ruined my life!") will do more harm than good. Your teens will be convinced that they are too smart to let the same thing happen to them.
Don't expect to be told the whole truth. Teen-agers have been known to deny sexual activity on the way to the delivery room. They often prefer to communicate by leaving clues, even if they vehemently deny responsibility. Pay attention to what is going on, observe the evidence, and consider your options. When you choose to set limits (such as curfews and curtailed sexual opportunities), don't focus on securing agreement or turning it into a moral debate. Do everything you can to enforce your demands, and pick up the pieces are best you can when you fail. Under no circumstances attack the cherished love god(dess) who is the current focus of undying adoration and sexual fulfilment.
Not all your discussions about sexuality will be an unqualified success. There may be times when you wish that you had never brought the subject up. However, your children need a safe place to talk about these matters. If you don't help them, who will?