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The teen years are a paradox. Teens are engaged in a profound struggle to become autonomous and establish their own identity, separate from their parents' values and expectations. They compulsively challenge and reject virtually everything adults, particularly parents, tell them. At the same time, they need the stability, wisdom, and acceptance of those adults more than ever to shed light on their path, encourage them, and keep them from getting lost.

Sexuality is a mine field of hidden dangers. It is not necessary to show ID, pass an exam, or demonstrate a particular level of skill. Peer and media pressure suggest that sexual activity is both a badge of maturity and a key to bliss. Hormones are raging, impulse control is shaky, and information is not always reliable.

A teen who chooses sexual activity needs practical guidance to avoid disease and unwanted pregnany, as well as guidelines for distinguishing between nurturing sexual relationships and abusive ones. For the teen who chooses to abstain, this information is largely theoretical, but s/he will need coaching to manage sexual impulses and withstand pressure to have sex.

Ideally, discussions of sexuality will flow naturally out of a securely established foundation of open communication. If you have never discussed sex with your child, or you have not been able to have any productive discussions about other issues, it might be better to rely on the help of a health care professional or other mentor. If you work on improving your relationship in all areas of your life, you may find that sex finds its way into your conversation.

An informal, indirect approach is most likely to get you an invitation into your teens' private thoughts. Watch some of the TV shows they watch, ask about their Internet life, and listen carefully when they discuss what their friends, classmates, and favorite media stars are doing. Ask some open-ended questions, such as, "Do you think that's the best way to handle that?" "What would you do?" and "What do you think?" Learn the art of active listening, and curb your judgemental impulses. If your teen asks for your input, try not to gloat. Keep your answer short, specific and simple, inviting further discussion.

Be sure you are adequately and reliably informed. Investigate the sexual education curriculum at your child's school. Talk to your child's teachers and peers, and get in touch with what is hot and what is not. This is not a good time to be a dinosaur.

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