by Joshua Murphy

Created on: July 11, 2009

The significance of zero:

As the clock slows and the machinations of the various cogs become clogged, the shadows grow longer. When things slow down and the events of the day wind up and draw to a close, when you are left alone and there are no demands made of you, that's when it you can feel it coming on. That's when the black balloon becomes laden with lead. You reach for your phone, but there is no one to call. You send out a text message, but no one replies. You are alone and you are not needed. Maybe you should buy a dog. Your friends have moved along and your ex-partners have married. Your job is your responsibility and you loathe it, but it is probably all that is keeping you on some sort of straight and narrow path.

You are on the fringe. You cannot move forward lest you risk falling over the edge and you can't go back because you'd simply be repeating the mistakes of the past and clearly you would have learned nothing from them. It is Groundhog Day, like that Bill Murray movie, and you are doing the same thing over and over without any change in outcome. That's the methodology behind insanity, isn't it? But you don't care because your fear has swallowed your motivation.

You are a top, no more than a child's toy that has been spun by a greater hand and put in motion against your will, much like being born. You teeter and wobble, but will not stop, just keep spinning out of control as though immune to the laws of physics or the natural forces of gravity. The inertia is insatiable, but it's not just the spinning, it's the falling sensation too. Your electrons are propelled down a vortex of voltage that will electrocute any hand that comes near them, tries to catch them, or tries to stop this centrifugal force, this downward descent.

There's an paradoxical aspect to suicide. She loved herself at times and thought much of her abilities and had received significant validation of her aptitude and skills over the course of her upbringing. However, she couldn't get past this hurdle of hatred and self-contempt. It's this duality, or dissonance that leads to such a complex network of neurosis. Strong feelings are evoked when these two internal forces collide. It's the genesis of a major storm stemming from high and low pressure systems interacting. I still get upset when I think back to that night and can't help but wonder if things would have changed if I had possessed the courage to act on my suspicions.

Hell, they

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