by Kamryn Adams

Created on: July 10, 2009   Last Updated: July 12, 2009

The good news is that if you don't have children with your ex, you don't have to deal with that person ever again. If you dislike each other enough to divorce, it makes no sense to be friends. Since your ex-spouse has been tagged as "difficult" it's pretty much feudal to remain friends. If this is you, consider yourself lucky and move on to another article.

Here's the bad news. If at some point you were remotely attracted to your ex-spouse and decided you wanted to procreate together, you're stuck dealing with the situation. Most people can make the best of it for the sake of the children. However, difficult ex-spouses can be the absolute bane of your existence if you don't learn to deal with their antics right away.

Assume that your ex-spouse will be difficult for the rest of your independent lives.

When your children graduate from college, get married, and have children of their own, chances are the ex will do something destructive, or at a minimum, disruptive. Now, that's the worst case scenario. If the difficulty blossoms into mere annoyance, then you'll be equally surprised and delighted. Regardless, the first thing you need to understand is that you cannot change your spouse's behavior.

You must be deliberate and controlled with your reaction to your ex-spouse's behavior.

Difficult spouses "act out" to get a response from you. As long as you are responding in a way that satisfies their need to provoke you, you'll reinforce the difficult behavior. Instead, take a different approach. Don't raise your voice and laugh as much as you can when interacting. If that gets difficult, as it surely will, simply ask, "Do you hear/see yourself?" This will allow your ex to reflect on the behavior.

Don't engage in name calling or defend underhanded shots on your character.

It is cliche but relevant. Try to take the high road. Simply refuse to put any energy into a decayed relationship. Don't engage in a verbal assault. When the tone turns south, politely excuse yourself from the discussion. Say something like, "Okay, this is getting unhealthy so we'll continue at another time." Your ex can't argue with a dial tone.

Change the definition of your relationship.

Settle in your mind that your ex only exists in your child's life, not yours. Though you may intersect in the life of your child, you are not connected directly to one another. Try this technique: Instead of using the title "ex-spouse" use a more relative term for the present situation. For example, "Excuse me, Little Johnny's mother/father is at the door." Refer to your ex with his current title instead of a reference to your past life, you'll be amazed at how therapeutic it is to disconnect from the person, even if remaining in the situation.

Limit Direct Interaction

Depending upon the age of your children you may be able to limit your direct interaction with your difficult ex-spouse. Allow your child a cellular phone to speak to your ex so there is no need to call your home. Find a friend or family member to help with drop-off and pick-up to avoid a confrontation. If you limit your interaction, the times when you must interact will be more tolerable for everyone involved.

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