by Amanda Roberts

Created on: July 10, 2009   Last Updated: July 11, 2009

Sex is a tricky matter. While so many people like to dream and romanticize it, when it comes to talking about the past many people shy away from the truth. So what do you do when you have a sexual past that you may not be so proud of?

The first thing you need to do is to assess yourself for anything that might have been "left behind" from your previous escapades. This includes pregnancy (either carried by you or your partner), sexually transmitted diseases/infections, marks of abuse (bruises, broken bones, etc), and any change in your reputation or your mental well-being. All of these things can greatly worsen if left untreated, so you should definitely see a health care professional to screen you for many of these things (if you are scared to approach your family doctor, clinics like Planned Parenthood are open to help you). If you have suffered abuse or you feel depressed, ashamed, or worthless you should definitely see a counselor as soon as possible to work through these issues. If you are lucky enough to have a private therapist, bring the issues up with them. Otherwise, seek out a school counselor or contact your local health department or Planned Parenthood to make an appointment with a counselor. Getting yourself healthy, both mentally and physically, is important for both your own well-being and the well-being of any of your future relationships.

Once you have seen the appropriate health care providers, you need to find your own support system of friends or relatives that can help you to create and maintain a positive view about yourself. Sometimes past relationships can leave wounds that we never see, leaving us with insecurity and self-loathing. Avoid these things by always trying to look positively at yourself and your life. Your friends and family can help you to do this by creating a safety net of positive emotions for you. If you feel safe, you can try to share your past experiences with your friends and family, but know that this does not have to happen in the beginning. Sometimes the best support we get is from the people who just love us without consideration of the past or future.

If you have your support system in place, you might feel like you are able to jump into another romantic sexual relationship. Realize that this is not always the best option. So many of us rush around trying to fill the void we feel after we are single again, that we miss the opportunity to really let ourselves relax and grow. Give yourself the time to be happy as who you are. Accept yourself, your abilities, your past, and your shortcomings. Make plans for your future and try to foster a sense of confidence in yourself. Most of all, realize that you do not have to be defined by your past.

The final step is when you finally decide to enter another romantic relationship. Do not feel like you have to expose your past experiences all at once. Don't let your past and the nervousness that you feel cause you to spew out every detail of your life. Take things slow and learn about the other person. If the relationship progresses, then you can approach the topic of your past. Always inform any new sexual partner of your past history, and you should expect the same courtesy from them.

In closing, the best way to cope with your past experiences is to take the time to accept them as part of who you are. Learn from your past and use that to build a better, more sexually responsible future for yourself and your future partners.

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