by Joyce Good Henderson

Created on: July 10, 2009   Last Updated: July 12, 2009

The occasional emergency, even blood dripping from a laceration, doesn't get a mom down. It's the everyday wear-and-tear of sibling battles that tempts a sane woman to burn her Mother's day cards and run away from home. A mother knows she's reached her saturation point when she:

calls the principal and begs him to re-open school at the end of June; makes frequent trips to the bathroom, not because she has to, but because she can have a few minutes of solitude; orders a one-way ticket to Alaska, then can't decide whether to use it for herself or send the kids; discusses remodeling the family room into individual locked cells.

Sibling rivalry is a normal, natural, healthy part of family life. It occurs when the children are comfortable enough with themselves and their parents to express negative feelings freely and loudly. Experts even suggest it prepares them for the competitive stresses of the adult world.

The primary aim of sibling rivalry is the parents. It calls to their attention an invasion of one child's space by another.

Recognizing this enables the parents to engineer the environment to decrease the frequency of perceived invasions. Each child needs his own space, whether that is a drawer, a shelf, a box or bag, that is inviolate, where he can keep his treasures safe from sibling intrusion. Every person, whether child or adult, has some special belongings he does not want to share, and parents should respect the child's right to these feelings and possessions.

Second to space, each child needs time. Focused attention on a regular basis, allows the parent to treasure the child's uniqueness. This doesn't require large blocks of time, at a premium in busy families. But it does require being with, listening to and establishing rapport with the child. Focused attention conveys an attitude of acceptance and respect for the child as a valued person.

Listening is the single most important skill parents need. The first step is to close your mouth. Children need time to organize their thoughts and express them. Move to the child's level, eye-to-eye, observe his body language and establish contact by touching his arm or shoulder. Experts say that 90% of communication is non-verbal, so missing these important cues diminishes understanding and rapport.

Teach your child a rich vocabulary of feeling words, and encourage his expression by listening empathetically. Responding with acceptance encourages the child to communicate and to develop empathy.

Recognizing the individuality of each child involves accepting his inner timetable for growth and development. Your expectations need to match his capabilities, therefore learn about the different stages of child development. Certain family stresses, such as the birth of a sibling, or a move to a new home, can slow or set back development. It's very common for a pre-school who is already into pants to suddenly have accidents when there's a new baby in the household.

Sibling difficulties often occur when the participants are tired or hungry. A snack or a nap recharges batteries of tolerance and cooperative play. Providing an outlet for a child's boundless energy through sports, exercise, outdoor play or a walk in the neighborhood helps.

When all else fails, call Grandma. She'll be happy to remind you of all the times she had to deal with you and your siblings. You will soon realize that you survived that and you can survive this as well.

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