by Bobbie Smith

Created on: July 10, 2009

Sometimes all you have to do is drop a match to rekindle a dried, ready-to-burn bundle of twigs. But if your marriage is the wet, sap-dripping junks of tree that will just fizzle, drip and blow green smoke everywhere, don't expect vivid and glamorous conversation coupled by blindingly-intense sex to happen after a couple of candlelight dinners. One match might light the candles, but they will likely burn out before anything catches.

The way to tackle whatever pile of debris your marriage has become, is to pick up small pieces one by one. Anything that's a big chunk, you need to break it down into smaller slim sticks that are more manageable.

COMMUNICATING MORE INTIMATELY

No matter how flammable your marriage isn't , you can always communicate a little deeper and a little softer than usual. Even if you're a newly-wed looking to wake up the wedding bliss after only one year, you can always reach out. All couples can use words to bring each other closer together or wedge each other further apart.

Instead of bickering, maybe you could speak more frankly but with kindness. Instead of ignoring, you start acknowledging your spouse. Replace mocking with sincerity and keep your sense of humour fun and kind. Small gestures of re-connection are the planks that can make up a bridge to each other that eventually becomes more and more solid with time and trust. Feeling like you can trust again and then upgrading to intimacy takes time for both partners, so don't get discouraged if you don't see instant results. It's like getting back into shape. For every season you've been drifting, it will take regular activity to get closer. However, don't despair; words can light fires sooner and help them burn longer.

COMMUNICATE MORE NON-VERBALLY

Make direct eye contact. Raise your spouse's awareness of your presence in a room: a light touch of your hand while in the kitchen together, gentle foot rub or an unexpected caress can warm the inner workings of even the toughest shell. With a healthy complement of sincerity and kindness, your current actions will become louder than any damage previous actions may have inadvertently done to your relationship.

THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE

Stimulation mentally, physically and emotionally can be overwhelming when highly anticipated, but in a stale marriage, you are likely starting at ground zero. Actions that are seen as typically romantic like going on a hotel getaway with candlelight, wine and dinner are lovely but fairly predictable. When

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