by Karla Hernandez

Created on: July 09, 2009   Last Updated: March 15, 2012

You do all you can do sometimes. You know, put yourself out there. Open your heart. Show compassion...be considerate. Sometimes you get nothing in return. And it shouldn't matter. But it does.

Then after you get over it, if that's really what you call it, you wonder if you should even try anymore. Just be "there"...like everyone else. It's tempting. It's easier. Less painful.

You begin to change. You are tired of being the one who is always chasing everyone. So you stop; stripped of all you had. You are no longer the person you used to be. The laughter, the smiles seem to have faded. The worst part is that you don't even care. It's meaningless now. You fight not to let it drag you down farther into the darkness. It's like fighting for air. Your last breath.

Through the blindness, you find the last thread of human decency you seem to have left. You are thankful for those who stood by you no matter what you've done. No matter what you do. You struggle to find forgiveness where it should be given. You wonder if you have the strength to forgive.

No courage without fear, no strength without weakness.

Then you realize there is only one thing that can save you.

I stood outside the house, staring silently but intent. I could actually hear the silence ringing in my ear. It was that eerie silence like when snow falls and you can actually hear the snow falling. The silence was deafening. All around me was a grayish fog. I saw nothing but the house in front of me and I was scarcely aware of my own body moving slowly, almost like a cat hunting its prey, toward the front door. My eyes fixed as I slowly walked closer. I saw nothing else in my field of vision. If there was anyone or anything else around me, I was unaware. It seemed almost physically impossible for me to even notice anything else around me. I was drawn now, like a magnet. The house seemed to possess me and held me tight in its grip.

As I entered the door, my senses shifted. I was aware now that I was inside and I noticed the house full of people, as if some kind of party was taking place. I felt like an intruder and I wanted to turn around and run away. I held my stance, my instincts leading me now. I knew I was supposed to be here.The eerie silence still ringing in my ear, surrounding me. The surreal atmosphere was unmistakable. It was like a drug and I forged ahead, my intuition leading me and reminding me with a knowing that this is where I was supposed to be.

At once, three women greeted me.

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