by Smithie

Created on: July 09, 2009

There is a myth that men hate to share their feelings and women excel at it, maybe to an extreme. However, really we are all communicating all the time whether we like it or not. Even silence has something to say. Relationships are work no matter how easily the feelings flow. One of the most helpful theories I have encountered when thinking about sharing feelings is "Dialogue" used in Imago therapy as developed by

Harville Hendrix.

In a nutshell, this theory says that we select partners that resemble our past important people in some way, typically our primary caregivers. We select partners that mimic these relationships as a way to heal past hurts of these relationships. So not only will our partners draw us in and love us, they will also carry some of the traits we experienced negatively and hurt us. The flip side of this is that WE are serving the same purpose for our partner. So, we too bring positive and negative experiences to our partner.

To quickly encapsulate dialogue, there are three important steps:

1. Mirror.

2. Validate.

3. Empathize.

These steps are well founded on psychotherapeutic theory but written in a way to make them easily used by everyone.

Step one is to listen very carefully to your partner for the "sense" they are making. When they are speaking, ask "is there more?" and continue to ask this until they say, "no, that's all." If you have listened carefully, you will have heard what your partner is communicating.

Step two is to validate. The important thing to understand about validation is that it is NOT agreement. It may, in fact, be disagreement. In the validation step, you are learning to see your partner as their own person, independent of you. You are listening to their experience to understand how they may have come to feel the way they feel now. Validation is hearing and learning.

Step three is empathy. When you are empathetic you are attempting to understand the feelings your partner is having based on the new information they have presented you. At this step you want to say "I understand you might be feeling......... does that sound right?" This is a very healing step as most of us receive little empathy in our day to day lives.

This dialogue ideally would happen on both sides with both partners practicing these techniques and attempting, mutually, to communicate their feelings in any given situation. This method is not meant to be held rigidly but ultimately to provide a framework for building new communication skills. Very rarely are we taught how to communicate our feelings. We are just "expected" to do or NOT do it depending on one's family of origin.

Finally, Mr. Hendrix also states quite emphatically that you do not give up. Keep at the dialogue until you have achieved the steps. It won't be easy. It might be painful and difficult, but it is worth the sense of connection that comes from listening and being listened to. If you understand that both people in the partnership are responding to past injuries and seeking healing, it becomes easier to use these techniques and "practice" sharing feelings.

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