by Patricia Parker

Created on: July 09, 2009

A neighbor is someone who takes in your mail while you're on vacation and doesn't comment on the number of charge account bills you receive.

A neighbor is someone who has a triple powered snow blower and clears your driveway in January even if it is at 6:00 a.m. on a Sunday morning and his machine shreds your New York Times into a gazillion pieces.

A neighbor is someone who watches your kids while you run to the store and asks you to pick up a few things for her which includes a rare cheese block for which you never get paid.

A neighbor is someone who lends you your ladder back.

A neighbor is someone who borrows chairs, tables, your grandmother's antique candelabra and your favorite shrimp recipe and still demands that you come to her basket party.

A neighbor is someone who has three kids who babysit but who charge you extra because your one toddler has to be fed lunch.

A neighbor is someone who keeps an immaculate house, a spectacular garden and the telephone numbers of everyone on the block. She never lets you forget it.

A neighbor knows if someone in your house is sick because the lights are still on at ten o'clock. She knows when your mother-in-law is coming to town because you suddenly touch up your roots. She knows when your last period was and is the first to suggest that you might be pregnant again. She can spot an ant on the kitchen floor, a piece of cracker on the carpet or a cat hair on the sofa. She tells you that your van needs washing, your driveway could use a seal coating and your windows are streaky. She remembers everything you told her after three martinis at the block party four years ago and often brings it up in mixed company.

A neighbor is a friend, a mentor, a counselor, and a free ride to the airport. She is loyal, funny, loving, obnoxious, and the best mom on the block. She thinks you are the world's worst mom and lets you know it. She is always there for you so you overlook her little perfections. She reads all the latest best sellers and is a witty conversationalist. She is an outstanding cook. She is a master gardener. She is a PTA staple, a size four dynamo and an excellent seamstress.

She is my neighbor and I love her. Her husband is a jerk however, so all things even out in the end. With all the good things she has going for her, why she married this loud brutish man is one of life's mysteries. He is the neighborhood flirt, the dirty joke teller, the six pack a day guy who never has a kind word to say about anyone. For someone who seems to have it all, in reality she really has nothing.

She is my neighbor and my best friend and it breaks my heart to see the way he treats her.

So, the next time she tells me that my grass needs cutting, or my hair needs cutting or my brownies are cut the wrong way, I'm going to smile to myself and thank my lucky stars that I'm married to the world's most wonderful man and she's not.

My neighbor may have the talent and brains but I have the better spouse. I'd tell her all this but I know that it would hurt her feelings and I wouldn't hurt her for anything in the world. Besides, I'm going on a trip next week and I need her to take in my mail and give me a ride to the airport. You gotta do what you gotta do.

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