by Damian Smith

Created on: July 08, 2009

Fairy tales are fairly thin, there's a resounding lack of depth about them. Characterisation tends to be poor, plot holes abound, there's a plethora of writer's conveniences and the machinations of the universe tend to be overlooked for the sake of the narrative. I for one would like to delve deeper into these fairy tales, to find out what is occurring between the lines.

I would like to know more.

Specifically, I have a list of issues with various fairy tales that I would like to address. Certain answers need to be given and I seem to be the only one capable of asking the hard questions.

So, without further ado, I present my List of Umbrage.

Rapunzel - A princess locked in a high, doorless tower by a (presumably) evil witch who uses her braided hair as a rope to raise people into her lofty abode. How did the witch get her into the tower in the first place?
What was the process during the formative years when Rapunzel's hair was of insufficient length to provide access to the tower?
Who builds or purchases a doorless piece of useless real estate in the middle of nowhere on the off chance they will kidnap a minor and need to imprison them?
How did Rapunzel go about combing her locks and in the likelihood that she didn't, wouldn't they be crawling with vermin and crusted with filth? What product is she using that provides her with such strong roots and split end resistant tips?

Hansel and Gretel - What children willingly follow their painfully stupid father into the woods in the knowledge that they will be abandoned to the elements? Not once but twice? If the famine is that dire why didn't the evil stepmother decide to eat the children instead of sending a perfectly viable food source into the woods. This is one instance the witch has the right idea.
Why would a woman who's home is made of candy need to consume children when she has a far better source of essential fats and energies in her walls than a malnourished pair of waifs?
What kind of building material is gingerbread? It's brittle and has a questionable load bearing capacity, not to mention being prone to catastrophic structural breakdown in the event of rain.
And why choose gingerbread as masonry in the first place? She lives in a forest full of abundant strong timber, both loose and standing. If she has such a great store of candy or the ability to produce such prodigious amounts of it then why wouldn't she ply her sugary trade in town? If there is such a great famine that people are willingly ridding

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