I am standing on the edge of a large city. As far as the eye can see there are lights. Lights from homes and stores, offices and restaurants all filled with people. People with places to go, things to do, and friends and families to be with.
My back is to the city. I am facing a dark barren land that stretches out in front of me. There are no signs, no directions, no familiar landmarks, no one to show me the way. But I must go into the darkness. I must leave the familiar behind and go forward to a new place. But I am afraid. I don't know what I will find in the darkness. Will I find happiness? Will I find true love? Or will it be the same disappointments in a different place?
I won't know until I get to where I'm going. But where am I going? How will I know when I get there? Fear fills my heart and makes me feel heavy, unable to move. How do I begin? Do I take one step and then another and another? How do I know in which direction I should go?
Wait, I see a faint bit of light ahead. I walk toward it but it flashes off and I am, once more, in the darkness. What do I do now? I continue to walk in the direction of the light. I'm stumbling on things, rocks or sticks I don't know. I can feel them but I am afraid to touch them. Now I'm disoriented. Which way was the light?
Hot tears fall down my face. What am I supposed to do? Where do I go? Isn't there someone who will help me? Silence. Absolute silence. No birds or insects chirping or small animals crackling as they skitter across the ground.
Helloooooooo, I call. Nothing. Not even an echo. I yell louder, anyone out there? Help! Someone please help me. There's the light again. I quickly pull myself together and keeping an eye glued to the light, I head out. It lasts longer but not long enough. I hear something and turn my head toward the sound. Nothing.
That small movement has caused me to be disoriented again. Which way was the light? That way? No, no, the other way. I walk down the middle hoping I'll see the light. I walk for what seems forever. I'm tired, hungry, thirsty, and frustrated. But, mostly, I'm scared. Do I dare sit down? What is on the ground? Could I sleep? I hadn't seen any animals, but then, I hadn't seen anything. I haven't walked in any water or heard the sound of a brook babbling.
So many things that I always took for granted. Water at the touch of a button. A clean soft warm bed at night. Food in the cupboards and refrigerator. Lights, so many lights in every room. How did I get to this place? Had I come here on my own or had someone led me here? I don't remember. I just remember being on the edge of the city and knowing I had to go away from the lights. Away from the comfortable and the familiar. Was I being punished? What had I done? Why was I here? Was I supposed to find something or someone? But, how could I do that when I couldn't see and had no idea what I was supposed to find?
I get up and take small steps in a circle. Everywhere I look all I see is the dark. Spreading out in all directions, nothing but darkness. I look up, I look down. Nothing. Where are the stars? In such total darkness I should see a million stars. But, they too are obscured by the darkness.
The light is back. It's brighter. I head towards it. It isn't going away as it did before. I start to walk faster. My breathing is coming in short gasps. I must slow down before I hyperventilate. I doubt there are any paper bags around here. A thought occurs to me and I pat myself all over. What kind of clothes do I have on? Do I have a backpack? A fanny-pack? A grocery bag? Anything that might contain supplies like food and water.
Surely I wasn't put out with no provisions. I feel nothing. I have on jeans, a shirt, a light jacket, socks, and sneakers. I check the pockets. Nothing. The light! I forgot all about it looking for things that weren't there. It's still there. Hallelujah!
I walk toward it at a slower pace but with a spring in my step. Finally, I see a destination.
Something to give purpose to my walk. It's still there but I'm not getting any closer. Frustration makes me grit my teeth and slap my thigh. I yell towards the light. Help, is anyone out there? Please answer me. I'm so tired and hungry and thirsty.
I hear a voice. It is very quiet. It says there is food next to me. I look all around me and see nothing. You're mean, I yell. "There is food next to you." Without moving my body, I look down next to my right leg. Now I see it. I reach down to pick it up and discover that I am standing on soft grass.
I sit and open the basket of food. There is water, a sandwich, an apple, and a cookie. I start jamming the food in my mouth when I hear the voice. "Slow down or you'll be sick. There's plenty there." I slow down and savor each bite. Such a simple meal but it tastes better than the most expensive meal in the ritziest restaurant anywhere.
Before I know it, I fall asleep. I wake up and stretch. I sit up and look around. What the...? I know I slept a long time and I had walked a long time and yet it was still dark. I scanned what should be the sky and saw no lightening, no sign of dawn. Great, I'm afraid of the dark and here I am stuck in perennial darkness.
Yuck, my mouth feels fuzzy and I feel grubby. I look around and see nothing, not even the light. Hellooooooooo. Are you still there? Nothing. I stand up and look where the basket was last night. Nothing. Should I stay there and wait for the light, the voice? Or should I stumble my way in the dark again?
I stumble on. What did I do that caused such punishment? Did I do this thinking I would be better off? What happened to my nice safe boring life? I'll never complain again God. I promise. Just get me out of here.
There. Over there. Is that a light? It's different than before. It's a window with a light in it and a person. Well, the outline of a person. I yell hello as I have before. The light gets brighter. It's not getting closer no matter how fast I walk or run. Okay, I'll stay here and you stay there. I could really use some more food and I'd like to brush my teeth and wash my hands and face.
"Look next to you." I knew what to do this time. I sat on the grass and opened the basket. It had a toothbrush, toothpaste, a washcloth, soap, a bowl, and a bottle of water. I cleaned myself as best I could and felt so much better. When I closed the lid, the basket changed. I opened it again but this time it held a thermos of coffee, creamer, sugar, a spoon, a blueberry muffin, and a banana.
I lingered over my coffee. I had nowhere to go, nothing to do, and no one depending on me. Huh, this isn't such a bad place after all. I wish it would get light so I could see where I was. I wouldn't mind a newspaper or a computer or even a book.
I cleaned up the remains of my meal and put everything back into the basket. The light was still there in a window with the outline of a person behind a window shade. Now what, I thought. Do I sit here? Do I walk some more? Where in what direction?
While I am pondering my next move, I see the person behind the window blind outside. He/She is standing just outside the window. I can't tell if the person is a man or a woman and the voice gave me no clue. No other part of the structure was visible, just the window.
"How was your meal?" It's a man I think to myself. "It was very good", I reply. "Thank you." The voice says, "You're welcome." "Where am I?" "Nowhere really." "How can I be nowhere?"
The voice chuckles softly. "Why do you have to know where you are? Isn't it enough to just be?" "Hmm, I always have somewhere to go or somewhere I think I should go." He chuckles again. "Well for now you are here. Enjoy." And with that he's gone.
I never get a chance to ask him what I'm supposed to do here. Do I keep walking? Oh, he said to just be and to enjoy. All right, I'll be and I'll enjoy it.
Okay, I can't sit and be and enjoy. There has to be more. I had kids to drive around. I had dinner to cook and lunches to pack. We gave dinner parties and went to costume parties. I have to be at a PTA meeting tonight. I think. I know I have to be somewhere. My family must wonder where I am.
Maybe this is just a dream and I'll wake up and tell my husband and we'll laugh. It doesn't feel like a dream. I pinch myself. Ouch, that hurt. Okay, it's not a dream. It's a nightmare. How did I get here? I can't remember. Ohhhh, thinking so hard makes my head hurt.
I lean back against a tree. This isn't too bad. Huh! I jump up. Where's the tree? I don't see any tree. I stretch my arms out and turn in a circle. No tree anywhere. But, I leaned back on something that felt like a tree. What was it if it wasn't a tree? And where did it go? Oh please someone tell me where I am or where I am supposed to go or how I got here and why?
Questions. All I have are questions. No answers. If this is some kind of punishment, what did I do? I tried to be a good person. I don't remember doing anything so horribly wrong to deserve this. How did this happen?
Okay no more questions. I have to keep going. I close my eyes and go around in a circle and stop. I open my eyes and walk in that direction. Silly I know closing my eyes but that's how I always did it. It feels familiar and safe.
I walk on in the darkness. No, I trudge through the darkness. Each step feels like the last one but I keep putting one foot in front of the other. On and on I go. The light is gone. The person in the window is gone. The baskets of food are gone. I'm alone. All alone. And I keep going on. Somewhere out here there has to be an answer. If I sit down and give up, I'll never know.