by B.A.

Created on: July 07, 2009

I WANT MY IDENTITY BACK!

It seems my entire life I have been asking WHO AM I? I try to look at other people to see if their personality, their significant other, their career fits me? Am I a lawyer or a social worker, am I outgoing or introverted, do I like sweet or sarcastic guys? But every time I try someone on I just end up feeling empty. It's not that they don't fit, it's just that nothing makes me feel whole

I've hit bottom more than once in my life or maybe I am just bungee jumping towards it but the cord hasn't actually broke yet how does one know when they've hit the bottom? It seems in all the personal memoirs once someone hits bottom it ends up being a changing point in their life from which they have a miraculous recovery and they are saved from the evil that was pulling them down. If that's the case then I sure haven't hit bottom yet because this can't be the great recovery. So why is it that those are the only stories we hear about? Is it not important to talk about those attempts at recovery that failed?

"The unexamined life is not worth living" Socrates

About me.. I am a 25 year old female and I am an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. I recently was introduced to the ACOA program, and at the suggestion of a family member I joined a support group. However, I wasn't fully invested and I didn't allow myself to really open up and let the recovery begin. I realize that I wasn't truly ready to be vulnerable and accept that my behavior and feelings are a product of my childhood; I was scared to let myself change and to admit that things are out of my control what will I become? What if I don't like who I am, or what if others don't like me? These fears were holding me back but more than anything I was worried that just by beaing at these meeting I was hurting my alcoholic mother because I felt shame for blaming her for my problems. I realize all these irrational fears are part of my illness and disease and I know to get better I will have to be brutaly and painfully honest with myself. I am going to have to open doors in my mind that have been closed for years and allow supressed memories to come to light so that I can learn to accept them in order to allow myself to be a healthy adult.

In any case this is my attempt at a self discovery and it would sure be great to have some company along for the ride. Through these journals I am sharing with you I am hoping to find some clarity, some explanations and hopefully my identity. I intend to use the ACA Big Book to aid me in my journey.

The Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

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