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Dealing with death is never easy. I have lost both my parents; my mom at a very early age and my dad when I was a teenager. These losses were significant but I can say that I was lucky to have other supportive family members which perhaps is the greatest help of all. Although this may sound strange to say, I also truly believe that my study of philosophy has helped greatly in dealing with death and the loss of loved ones (including a sister several years ago) so I'd like to share some of that with the sincere hope that others might benefit from it. I am a practicing philosophical counselor and philosophy professor and so speak from both a personal and professional perspective.

The ancient Stoic philosophers recognized that our happiness was largely dependent on what we could control; such as our attitude and will. To the extent that we try to control things we cannot we are unhappy. This is very much like the sentiment expressed in the prayer of serenity. One Stoic philosopher Epictetus said this about facing the death of a loved one:

Never say of anything, "I have lost it"; but, "I have returned it." Is your child dead? It is returned. Is your wife dead? She is returned. Is your estate taken away? Well, and is not that likewise returned? "But he who took it away is a bad man." What difference is it to you who the giver assigns to take it back? While he gives it to you to possess, take care of it; but don't view it as your own, just as travelers view a hotel.

Elsewhere he points out that "when death appears to be an evil, we ought to have this rule in readiness: that it is right to avoid evil things, but death is an unavoidable thing." The question then is how will you react to this. What attitude will you take towards their deaths. While it is sometimes a struggle I have chosen to remember my parents and my sister in celebratory ways. I often think of how proud they would be to see what I have done with my life. In some sense I have accomplished these things due to their influence. Thinking about them in this way brings me some comfort. Of course, it would be preferable to share this with them in person but this cannot happen. As hard as it might be, I have to accept that this cannot happen. Wishing it could is only making me unhappy.

Another approach is offered by Buddhism. In his book Plato, not Prozac! Lou Marinoff recounts the following Buddhist parable:

A distraught young mother mourning the death of her infant seeks Buddha's counsel.

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