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The loss of a loved one, no matter what your age is traumatic. Even an infant senses the loss as they are keyed into the emotions of their adult caretakers. As grief takes hold often rituals and ceremonies are encouraged to process the loss and funerals or memorial services offer a sense of closure. Children, with the guidance of adults can and should take part in the ceremony.

Preparing the child is the most important step to involving them in the funeral rite. The parent or caretaker should take the time to sit with the child ahead of time and offer as much information about the ceremony as possible. At this time a child can also be given a choice as to whether they wish to attend. Some children after hearing the details may opt out of attending and that must also be honored. Should the child want to attend it will be important that they know what to expect.

Begin by explaining that the lost loved one will not be there. If a coffin will be present it can be explained that the body the person lived in here on earth is inside, but that the person we love has left that body. Your Spirituality is important to share with the child. If your belief system includes feeling the person is heaven that should be explained. Often we do not give children enough credit. They have a keen understanding and are very accepting of our information. Young children can be spoken to in words they will understand. You may even want to draw pictures with the child as to where you believe their loved one to be now.

It is important to describe the funeral service as best you can. Describing who else might be there, family they may see and know who will be in attendance. Describing the funeral as a time to come together with family and friends to remember the one who has passed will easily be understood by the child. Their role in remembering and having a chance to say goodbye for now is very important. They need to experience that closure around the loss and feel they have the opportunity to say, in their heart and thoughts, anything they want to the one who is gone.

If a burial follows the ceremony and the child wishes to attend, it is important to talk about what the child can expect to see at the cemetery as well. For instance in the case of Jewish funeral it might be good to prepare the child for the ritual of mourners placing dirt on the coffin after it is lowered into the ground. The religious significance can and should be shared each step of the way.

While a funeral is certainly a sad occasion it is important to remember children will be children. They can not necessarily be expected to sit quietly for an hour long service. You may want to bring paper and crayons if the child becomes board, s/he can be encouraged to draw a picture, perhaps of their loved one in heaven or for a member of the family. Sitting toward the rear of the memorial service is another alternative so that if a break is needed, it can be taken easily without disruption. A moment of being able to run outside, take a walk or just jump around may be all it takes.

Being involved in the ceremony and recognizing that this is the time to say goodbye, allows the child to feel they too have contributed and have been able to remember their loved one with the rest of the family.

Learn more about this author, Christine Sandor.
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