Wow, I still can't believe it.

Even now, looking at my faithful companion and best friend for the last twelve years as she lays in the cool evening grass surveying her little domain, I can't bring myself to quite believe that she's as sick as she is-she looks so content. Two or twenty minutes from now, when she has a respiratory attack and is struggling for breath, that's when the bitter reality will once again slap me in the face and I know that I must soon make that heart-wrenching decision to euthanize my beloved pet.

About four hours ago Emma-my beautiful black-haired Sheltie X that I've raised since she was a puppy-chased a cat that occasionally strays into the yard. Nothing unusual there-they played that game at least twice a week. This time however, when Emma came back up by the porch, she sat hunched over in obvious distress trying to breathe. I managed to find a vet open in my area on a Sunday night and took her in for a check just to be sure. Whatever it was, we'd deal with it.

I told the vet what had happened, plus a couple of other oddities that I'd noticed. Emma had been hacking for a week or so, but I figured it was hair because she'd been shedding a lot lately. As well, she hadn't been eating much at all-but that was normal for her in past years when it got as hot as it's been. The doctor gave my girl a standard exam and took some X-rays, then asked me to wait; the images would only be about ten minutes.

Ever since she was little Emma's been afflicted with a condition that some call "reverse coughing" or "reverse sneezing" where the dog appears to wheeze or choke for air but is effectively harmless to them. I hoped that perhaps what was happening to her was related to that, and was cautiously optimistic as her respiration had somewhat returned to normal.

I wasn't prepared for what the doctor had to tell me.

Emma has a tumor on her heart that is now interfering with her trachea and her lungs, impairing her ability to breathe and causing respiratory distress. Where once she was an active, playful dog with boundless energy, anything that stresses her out or overexcites her could prove fatal.

It's funny-in that "irony sucks" kind of way-but just a couple of weeks ago I was speculating with a friend about the decision my sister was going to make with her dog, who is suffering health issues of her own as a senior German Shepherd. Her pooch just so happens to be Emma's best dog friend and they grew up together-so I did not envy my sister's decision. yet here I am now just a short time later, facing the same dire choice.

Now the question comes down to when.

I don't want to be the one to decide, but somebody must. My dog has been true and loyal to me no matter what. If I was in pain or feeling low she knew-and she would do what she could to comfort me. Maybe it was only sitting at my feet or giving a lick on the hand, but no matter what, it worked. When a dog comforts you, they mean it. Now, it is up to me-if I'm half the friend she was to me- to make sure that Emma's last moments on this Earth are as comfortable as possible.

And that is where the answer lies. I know it will be almost unbearably painful to let you go my friend-but it would be absolutely excruciating to watch you suffer in pain because I was too selfish to let you go. You always were there for me Emma, and when the time comes I will be there for you so that your last days are not filled with pain.

I love you dearly my pretty puppy and I want you to keep the squirrels off the lawn until I get there.

Learn more about this author, John Hummel.
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