by Clifford Kurt

Created on: July 05, 2009

The Next Great Dave Barry
I want to be the Next Great Dave Barry. People have told me my writing is witty. I guess I believe them. I learned long ago not to trust my own assessment of my abilities. I USED to think I could paint a mighty tree or a happy cloud, but I digress.

In my quest to become the Next Great Dave Barry, I wrote him, seeking advice. My letter to him is below, together with the response I received a couple of days later. As you will see, I'm still no closer to goal. Heck, my letter to my hometown newspaper, The Toledo Blade, has gone completely unanswered. Maybe I'm not including enough clown in my diet.

Here's the correspondence related to The Great Dave Barry Experiment:

Dear Mr. Barry:

I'm sure this is the 5th or 10th or 500th such letter you've received today, but I'll give it a shot anyway.

I want to become the next great Dave Barry. Please secure my place in line or give me my deli-counter number or set me into whatever process there is. I'll happily wait my turn, all the while churning out spare columns to cover my you-know-what when writer's block sets in.

I'm not concerned about the money, because I know the money will be phenomenal. But I do want the glory. I want to imagine people reading at their breakfast nooks, laughing and spraying orange juice on their cats (I hate cats). I want to be the one who inspires the spray.

I have tried blogging my writing, but that has gotten me nowhere because I don't know how meta-tags work. I'm excited when my blog gets 10 hits.

So, what do I do to become the next great Dave Barry? I figured I should start by sending you some of my sample writings and let you see for yourself that I'm capable of the job.

The good news is - I'm fatter than you, uglier than you and (at least for now) poorer than you, so you don't have to worry about me competing for chicks. (Are you married?)

I'd be interested in hearing what you have to say. Especially if it's funny. Even if it's not.

Thank you for your time.

And the response:

Cliff

Thanks for writing...but I'm afraid I can't pass on your columns to Dave for review. In the first place, he does get several requests such as yours every day, and there's no possible way he could read them all and still get any of his own writing done. So for several years now, I've had to Just Say No to all requests for critiques, blurbs, recommendations, reviews, etc. In addition (if you read the FAQ), it's my personal policy to never give him any unpublished work, just so there's no confusion about ideas or subject matter.

So... I'm afraid I have to say thanks for writing and... maybe you could get some info about getting published from the FAQ. It's on the "About Dave" page.

And I wish you luck with your quest for becoming the next Dave Barry. But wait a while, please, 'cause I like my job and my boss too!

Thanks -

(Name Censored)

Assistant to Dave Barry

Well, rats! Maybe I can become the Next Great Billy Joel:

Dear Billy:

I would like to become the next great Billy Joel. I sing, I play the piano better than I sing, and I play the harmonica better than I play the piano. And you wouldn't have to worry about me stealing your chicks, because you're married.

No, I don't think this will work, either. Maybe I can become the next great Billie Mays...

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