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Parents - it is not acceptable for a parent to vent to their kids about the other parent.

Though my parents never divorced, they should have. And, though not intentionally, they got me mixed up in the middle of some kind of evil competition they had going on. The one thing they did seem to agree on was that I wasn't supposed to like my grandparents.

My grandmother had the wisdom not to say anything bad about either of my parents. So, I liked her better. But I felt guilty for liking her at all.

In retrospect, I can see that my parents may have been speaking the truth about each other. But a child's heart only knows about the love that is dwelling inside.

It's wrong to squelch the natural affection that's so intrinsic to childhood.

The idea of a parent venting about the other parent hit home another reason - my husband Peter's divorce. I loved his kids the moment we met, and they liked me, too. The vindictive ex told these kids that I was a whore - yes, she used exactly that word. The boys were eight and four years old respectively.

The ex wife separated the brothers and took the good natured four year old out of state. She dumped the one she didn't want. He came to live with us, and we did the best we could to patch him up. The ex countered every productive move we made with her self serving, manipulative input. In her self centeredness, she kept both of her sons from having a happy home anywhere.

We were so saddened at the loss of the younger boy. After six weeks went by, we found out where the ex had taken him. She had moved far away enough to make it financially impossible to take any legal actions. Exacerbating the already vindictive environment of divorce didn't seem healthy for the boys.

Peter attempted to reestablish contact with Todd who was now living 1200 miles away. But the ex always picked up the extension line, interrupting the would-be conversations with argumentative attacks.

Pete eventually gave up on communication in order to spare Todd from this reliving more of the divorce experience. He remembered the boy for every birthday and holiday, though. Later, Todd would discover the gifts that we sent hidden in a closet. From her own words I learned that she would say to Todd: "See, your dad doesn't love you."

Kids often have their own inward gyrometer, though.

An amazing other story is how Todd was so resourceful with his coping and survival skills. Finally, when Todd was fifteen, he demanded to learn the truth. He insisted to his mother that he was going to take a plane to visit his dad, and find out his side of the divorce story.

Once he arrived for his visit, I turned out to be the liaison person between Todd and Peter. I got pummeled with accusations aimed at my husband. "Why didn't Dad come get me?" Todd wondered.

Parents who want to get their kids to take sides in a divorce - listen up. Bad rapping the other parent, and trying to brainwash kids about how horrible the other parent is doesn't work. This bad rapping has a way of becoming a boomerang.

Not only do the bad remarks take away from the inborn affectionate innocence of childhood, it makes kids feel bad about themselves. They think there is something wrong inside, because of their natural love for the parent who is under attack during the divorce.

And in turn, the kid will associate the parent who is doing all the denigration of the ex spouse as the source of unpleasant feelings. Please don't turn your own child into the victim of your divorce - it will come back to haunt you, guaranteed. When kids get older, validating their feelings may be in line, but it isn't acceptable for a parent to vent to the children about the other parent

Learn more about this author, Carol G.
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