by Kevin Noonan

Created on: July 04, 2009

"Perfectly Good Emotions"

In many places along the way, you encounter the different faces of your parents: different qualities, different visions and realities. My father has taught me, by example, some very important lessons. All the lessons have been profound; but while a few have been life-enhancing, most, especially as he approaches the end of his life, have been life-exhausting.

I am a seeker by nature. I am extremely fortunate to be able to say that many of the phenomena I have sought have been found. But having found them, I realize that there are still so many more mysteries to discover and some of these are the children of those already encountered.

I have returned to the place of my father. He is in his early eighties, and to my surprise, is in relatively good health for his age. Having come home, I have embarked upon a journey I have always been on, though, until now, I was not aware. I am trying to find my father.

Growing up, I had made an awful decision no eight year-old should make: I chose to be a "good" son beneath the shadow of my older brothers' rebellion. In the presence of an indifferent, absent-while-present father, a child who is neither troubled nor troublesome creates an unintended consequence: double-invisibility. Indifference breeds an emotional state where a person is unreachable by the ones who need his presence most. This then opens the door for a counter-state of rebellion by those seeking to wake-up the indifferent. Finally, if others choose to be compliant and non-rebellious, a third state is born: the "good" simply disappear.

Each of these states is beneficial for the indifferent. The rebellious cause a measure of distraction, but the very nature of indifference, plus values, plus religion, allows the blame to be cast squarely on the evil of the rebels. The compliant, on the other hand, do nothing to disturb the status quo.

Recently, I discovered cracks in the indifference of my father. While watching the movie _Field of Dreams_, I was genuinely awestruck by the deeply emotive response various powerful scenes solicited from him in the form of rarely seen tears and even a moment of quiet sobbing. The latter came when Kevin Costner's character asked his now young father for a "catch." With the exception of my oldest brother's suicide, I had never seen my father react in this manner. In this encounter, I had discovered the greatest of human needs fulfilled: hope.

Perhaps, if my father could emote

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