Teens are a tricky bunch! Limits and structure are still important for their safety and a parent's sanity!

After giving my oldest son "enough rope to hang himself", we had to rethink our discipline approach! We now have a family contract. Everything we expect is in writing!

A family contract can address any concerns or expectations you have. It can focus on grades or staying away from and alcohol or sticking to curfew. Keep the wording simple and spell out rewards for complying with the contract and consequences for violations.

Include your teen in the process. Find out what rewards they would like, and keep the rewards timely. A semester is a lifetime for a teen. They can earn the concert tickets if they get the grades on their report card but include some incentives along the way. You could give them $10 for the ipod song store at the mid-point or you could have a weekly grade check that would earn them a small reward. The key to the reward is it has to be something they want!

Consequences have to be realistic and appropriate. If your contract is about curfew, the first offense could result in something as simple as an apology letter. A second offense results in an hour earlier curfew for the next week and grounding could follow witj a third offense. It's hard to enforce consequences on a teen so be sure you can make it stick. When you find out what is important to them for rewards, you'll also see what matters as a consequence. A music fan may have a tough time when his ipod disappears after he misses curfew three times!

Have on objective third party look at your contract for loopholes. Just setting curfew at 10 pm isn't going to work with the manipulative teen who is very literal in their interpretation. A teen could arrive home late saying they didn't know what time zone you meant. A teen could arrive home at 10 pm and then leave at 10:30 pm, justifying it because you never said they had to stay in! And, where do you expect them to be at 10 pm? In their room or on the front porch with friends?

The contract is nice for parents because you have some feeling of control, not over your teen, but the behavior. Any parent who has tried to argue with a teen knows it usually doesn't end well. You can lecture about grades and their importance in your child's future until graduation. Rarely will a teen say "You know Mom, you're right, I'm not reaching my potential. I do need to study and you can now find me at my desk. I'll be the one behind the stack of books!" A contract gives clear expectations. You don't need to argue. Let the rewards and consequences do the talking!

For parents, the teen years are a time of letting go. If only we could protect them forever. Discipline has to reflect this changing time in your relationship with your child.

Learn more about this author, Kristin G.
Click here to send author comments or questions.

---

Add your voice

Know something about Tips for parents: Disciplining teens?
We want to hear your view. Write now!