by Karen Young

Created on: July 02, 2009

I never realized what this trip was going to mean to me. I just knew that I needed a vacation from the 'normal' routine of my tumultuous life with my unstable boyfriend. I arrived at the coast on a day when the fog was light and burned off quickly. I checked in at the modest hotel where I had made my reservation. I showered, changed, and put my meager belongings away.

I walked out of the lobby and around the corner and there was the beach. It was breezy, but quite warm for the coast. I looked at the waves rolling in and appreciated the sound of the roaring ocean. I was already feeling much better. I could literally feel the tension leaving my body. All the tension from the life that I left behind and the frustrations from the drive there was just melting away and leaving with each pounding wave of the ocean.

I watched the occasional jogger and dog walker and envied their domestic routines. I wondered if they really appreciated what they had. I wished that I could have a dog. But my lifestyle would not permit it. I never knew where I was going to be or for how long. It was a stressful thing at times. It wasn't always that way. At first it was exciting and I went into it willingly, even thankfully. It hasn't even been a year and I am feeling the strain of not having a stable situation. I miss the way it was when all I had to worry about was what to fix for lunch or cook for dinner, or what project to start and probably not finish.

I walked on and on thinking about family and friends and what I was going to do about my situation.I never come up with anything that doesn't require more money than what I have. I could buy a place close to the kids and grand-kids but I can't afford that. I would be fortunate just to have rent money for a cheap little apartment. I could look for a job close by and stay with the kids, sleeping on their sofa with no privacy or space of my own. But I would rather stay with the boyfriend for now and work on saving my meager allowance for a place of my own sometime in the future. I don't know how much longer I will have that allowance or even my medical coverage. I am so confused and troubled by it all it gives me a headache. I'll think about it again later. I'll just keep walking and listening to the ocean. I love this sound and the feel of the breeze on my face and blowing through my hair.

But something wasn't feeling quite right. The air had changed. It was musty smelling and the clouds were rolling in, dark and threatening. It had cooled off much too fast. I was too far away from the hotel to start running. I wouldn't make it anyway. The first lightning strike was unexpected and all too close.The hail started and I was covering my head as I ran toward the nearest covering. The huge rock and clay formation offered a small cave of sorts that I could stand in while I waited out the storm. I couldn't see much through the hail and then the rain. The thunder was deafening and I could feel the rumble through my feet. I am terrified of these storms and I was thinking about the safety of my room and what everyone else was doing at this moment.

I decided then and there that I was happy to be alive and that everything else was just a hiccup in my life. I just knew that something was going to work out and that I was going to be all right. I just needed to learn to take one day at a time. It was time for me to quit running and really work on changing my situation. It was hard for me to ask for help. But I would rather ask for help than to ride this storm out alone. This storm in my life is much more frightening to me than the thunder and lightening that will soon go away.

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