Low self-esteem, even though it seems over-used today, can damage your relationships, your relationship with yourself and your relationships with others. Recognizing how our low self-esteem permeates our relationships and, in turn, causes even lower self-esteem can help us begin to work on changing this downward spiral.

First, we need to know that low self-esteem means not valuing yourself as you should. A person with low self-esteem fears putting him or her self out there, because they fear rejection. Unfortunately, when a person fears rejection, he or she will often bring it on, not because the person is unworthy, but because he or she can't accept others good opinions as true. They see the world through a veil of self-rejecting, projecting that on to others and causing others to wonder what happened.

*Projecting.

When a people feel bad about themselves, they tend to project that feeling on others. They turn into "mind-readers" who constantly second guess what the other person is thinking. Because of this, they cannot truly accept the real feelings of the other person.

*Mind-reading.

Along with projecting comes mind- reading. They think things like, "I just know they wouldn't want to talk to me" and then they don't talk to the other person. The person's projection and mind-reading stops him or her from even approaching the other person, never giving him or her a chance to reject.

*Proactive rejection.

That brings us to the next problem. The person with low self-esteem is so afraid of rejection, that he or she will either reject the other person outright before he or she can reject first. Or, as in the above example, the person will hide away and not give others a chance to reject them. Either way, this limits relationships in a big way.

*Self-sabotage.

Should the person actually make it in to a relationship, he or she may unconsciously sabotage the relationship. They do this in various ways, but the rejection they expected often results in the end. By using self-sabotage, they can move the rejection cycle up and also have an excuse for it.

Even the relationships that often fall to our lot without trying, such as that with a parent or sibling, often suffer when a person has low-self esteem. The projection, mind-reading, and other behaviors cause extra stress in the relationship, and may cause the other person to move away, at least emotionally to protect him or herself from the pain of misunderstanding.

Regardless of the type of relationship, we can see that low self-esteem effects every aspect. The problem is not the other person; it's not even the person with the low-self esteem in terms of personality and other characteristics; it is the thinking and "framing" of the afflicted individual. By re-framing his or her thoughts, he or she can, over time, begin changing feelings about self and others. This will lead to changed behavior.

For example, when a person catches the thought "They won't" and other projections of mind-reading, the individual can stop and tell him or herself the truth. We don't know what another person thinks or feels until we ask them. We are not mind-readers, and opening ourselves up to people can often have a positive effect on our self-esteem, as we find real relationships and see ourselves in the eyes of another without our low-self-esteem glasses on. A more difficult job than it appears here, but it begins with one step and ends with a new view of self and others.

Learn more about this author, Angela S. Young.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.

---

Add your voice

Know something about How low self-esteem can damage your relationships?
We want to hear your view. Write now!