by Paul Schingle

Created on: July 01, 2009   Last Updated: July 02, 2009

It's difficult to write to this topic and not come across as cynical. Every attempt will be made not to sound negative. While the topic is marriage not being for everyone, by contrast, it is obviously a positive thing for some people. So, what makes marriage work? And, when others see the positive effects marriage can have, why doesn't this have a more universal appeal? If you look at it from the inside out, I think the question becomes a little easier to answer.

The most important ingredient in a strong marriage is commitment. When I use the word commitment, I don't just mean remaining maritally faithful to one's spouse. While this may be difficult for some, if you don't think you can commit that much, then marriage is never going to work for you to begin with. When referring to the word commitment, in this case, I am talking about real commitment. Waking up to the same (increasingly less attractive) face every single morning. Watching, and living with, the same annoying habits that once seemed so cute and are now just mundane and irritating. Being corrected at every turn, when there had once been a time when you could say and do no wrong. All these little things add up and can get to grate on one's nerves. Real commitment means, not only living with these boring and trivial issues, but embracing them because this is the person you want to be with. Committing to marriage is a huge undertaking and is not for the selfish. I know. I'm terribly selfish. And I'm twice-divorced.

Again, this isn't meant to be a cynical account. Looking at it from the other side, it becomes a little easier to understand why marriage isn't for everybody. If one has a very specific way of doing things (i.e., waking up at the same time, following an exercise regimen, eating breakfast in the nude, etc.), one has to be prepared to make adjustments. Perhaps your spouse isn't an early riser and, more importantly, actually discourages you to continue this practice. There's a good chance that, especially later, your spouse isn't gong to want to watch you chew your cereal while you sit there naked. Now, granted, these are all little things. Hopefully, the prospective couple has talked about these issues before marrying. Likely, they have lived together for a while before the nuptials and have a good idea of what they're getting into, before it's too late.

These scenarios aren't meant to discourage, they are merely examples of the kinds of things that can bring a marriage down. I'm a firm believer that a married couple (or any family unit) can weather the big things. The tough stuff that would, seemingly, drive a wedge in a relationship. Big financial woes, destruction of property, a sustained illness. In fact, these potentially disastrous situations can often strengthen a relationship. But, it's those grating little things that you see day in , day out that a lot of people just can't handle. And, if you can't handle that, then you can't handle marital commitment.

Why can't marriage be for everyone? The truth is, some people can't commit to others selflessly. Their own habits are too hard to break, or watching other's habits is too much to take. At any rate, marriage is not for the selfish. At least it isn't for those who are selfish to the point of refusing compromise, because commitment requires compromise.

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