to the suicide of a child.

Reminiscing as we go through the child's belongings or old photo albums may also bring out our grief. Some of these methods of coping may be more emotionally healthy than others, but I've found them to be fairly common and I have been through each one at one time or another since our son died.

Some days are tougher than others. There are still times when I am functioning just fine until, without any warning, I break out in tears listening to certain songs or hearing someone else talk about their child. Most of all, I grieve for what could have been had my son chosen to stay in this world. He had barely turned 19 and he had so much potential to make something of his life.

I spend a lot of time questioning why he had to go and not getting any answers. Other people have gone on with their lives and forgotten about my sweet son, no one has stopped and waited for me to grieve. It is probably best that way, because I may be stuck here grieving for a very long time. Although I have been able to function normally out in the real world for longer periods of time, bouts of grief sneak up on me and I fall apart at times when I'm least expecting it. Those people that say it will get better with time mean well, but they really have no idea. No one does, unless they have lost a child.

One huge key to surviving the loss of a child is remembering all of the others who depend on us. We all have people that we are important to, although sometimes we don't realize it. At first, it may be difficult. You may have to put yourself on autopilot just to get through each day, but eventually, you do get back into the swing of things.

In the meantime, people won't realize that you are falling apart on the inside, as long as you hold it together on the outside. After nine months, I am able to function at work and perform my job as a CNA. Sometimes I still break out in tears, for reasons that only I could explain, but fortunately, so far I haven't had to, because I pulled myself together before anyone could see what a mess I really am.

At times, it seems as if I'm just pretending, but I keep on going because I know that my family depends on my income, my employers depend on me to be there and my residents depend on me to be me and bring a little sunshine into their lives. At first, that was the hardest part, but now I am able to even do that convincingly.

Whether it is the people who depend on you or some other reason, more personal to you, I think that it is extremely important that we find a reason to carry on and move forward in our lives. It is necessary for us to get back into our old routines, or if that is too painful, then to create new ones that we can follow.

No one ever forgets a child that goes on to the other side before us; no one ever feels that it should be that way, but it helps to carry on our daily lives and let our minds think other thoughts. That doesn't mean that it is any easier when thoughts of that lost child pop into our heads; it will always be quite painful, but it does mean that our loss won't be allowed to dominate our lives.

Learn more about this author, Kaye Booth.
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