by Margaret Crites

Created on: February 05, 2007   Last Updated: April 23, 2007

Unfortunately, too many people don't think to leave until an abusive relationship turns into a violent relationship.

The hallmark of an abusive relationship is control.

In the initial phases of a relationship, look for belittling statements, or unfounded jealousy. Declarations of love early on in the relationship may be flattering, but they can also be a signal that this person is expecting more than they can reasonably expect. Anyone who makes you second guess your own values, thoughts or feelings is someone you should be cautious about.

Another popular trick of the abusive partner is controlling who you can see and spend time with. They may start out saying that they don't like you hanging out with people of the opposite sex. Then, say that they think your friends of the same sex are against your relationship or a bad influence. They may say that your family doesn't like them and put you in the position of choosing between your family and them.

An abusive partner wants to make the abusee totally dependent upon the abuser for their day to day existence. This sometimes takes a long, drawn out process of whittling down the person. Other times, abusers will target people who already have been abused and are wobbly on their own.

If you recognize the attempts to control your dress, your friends, your freedom to come and go, your ability to spend time with family - you should break off the relationship and not hesitate to seek assistance from law enforcement immediately if they do anything to ignore your wishes. Every law enforcement official or domestic violence professional will tell you that breaking the relationship off for good and/or involving law enforcement are the only ways to get through to an abuser.

If the relationship has already become violent - you should enlist the assistance of law enforcement and domestic violence professionals before you leave. It may be embarrassing to recall the details of the abuse, but it can save your life.

Once you have decided to leave, you need to be resolved to not listen to any thing the abuser has to say. Remember, it is the abuser's game to make you doubt yourself in the first place. If an abuser figures out what "sweet" words they can say to bring you back, they will know that it will be that much harder for you to leave in the future.

You should know that since the ultimate goal of an abuser is control, when they feel they are losing that control, they will move their tactics into overdrive. Because of this, a violent relationship may become deadly if you don't seek professional intervention and create a safety plan with those professionals. Enlist the assistance of your family and friends. Seek counseling. Cooperate fully with law enforcement procedures.

And, know that the abuser is alone in their responsibility for the harm they inflict.

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