by Nan Keltie

Created on: June 30, 2009   Last Updated: December 26, 2009

Boundaries are those "fences" we set up to protect our children. Sometimes they are visible - like the hedges, wooden fences or stone walls that outline our yards. Other boundaries are invisible, like the rules, limitations and standards we set up to guard our children's personal safety and welfare.

As we reinforce or maintain these boundaries, our children are free to relax and enjoy childhood. They are also freer to develop to their highest potential under our watchful care. But even while children find comfort and security in boundaries, they also tend to resist them. Why is this?

During their younger years, the rapid pace of mental, physical and emotional development in children is astounding. As they grow and learn new things, they also develop an insatiable desire to explore their world "outside the fence." This is called testing the limits, and it is a common occurrence. As parents, it remains our job to calmly stand watch and maintain the boundaries.

But aren't children happier when they have fewer boundaries? Hardly. Take, for example, the story of the playground experiment. When a sturdy chain- link fence surrounded the schoolyard, the children moved about freely. When it was removed, they clumped together in small groups and stayed near the middle of the playground. Seeming confused or disoriented, they did not venture further out. (Nelson’s Complete Book of Stories, Illustrations & Quotes, pp. 592-593).

The fence represented a definite boundary line. It was the well-established border that helped the students feel safe and secure outdoors. Removing it was a mistake. So, too, when parents establish rules and limitations, it is important to keep them intact. Failing to secure a boundary is like removing the fence from the playground... it leaves our children confused and disoriented.

Sadly, some parents fail to provide the loving, consistent follow-my-example leadership children crave. Instead, they nag, fuss and threaten, believing their bully behavior will scare the children into respecting the rules. The children learn quickly that Mom and Dad aren't really in charge at all - they're too busy or lazy to mend or maintain the fence.

It is within a child's nature to test the limits. How the parent responds, however, is vitally important. By remaining calm and consistent and loving, our children learn that someone stronger and wiser is watching out for their best interests. They need to know we will not move (or remove) the fence that is set up for their protection. If a boundary is worth establishing in the first place, it's certainly worth the time and effort required to maintain it.

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