by Barbie Bertrand

Created on: June 30, 2009   Last Updated: July 01, 2009

This question I find is very hard to answer if you are having one of those rare days where the sun is shining on your brain and you don't feel tormented by life's daily tasks like getting out of bed or breathing.

I am having one of those tormented days. I have actually had several of them in a row and am at the end of my rope (figuratively speaking). I want to run away and curl up in a little ball of nothingness and die. It is that simple. Who gives a crap about me and my pitiful existence. It seems the only time my family and friends are nice to me is when they want something from me. I will be nice to you if you take me here. I will be nice to you if you buy me this? I will be nice to you if you have sex with me even though I never intend to commit? I will be nice to you IF....

I can't ever do anything right it seems.I always seem to mess something up for somebody. I am not a good enough employee to give a raise to (one that is deserved). I am not a good enough parent to be respected (I deserve respect). I am not a good enough friend to step away from your life for 10 minutes to see if I am alright (even though I do it for you). I am not a good enough lover for you to be there for me (even though I have sacrificed my life for you). I am simply not good enough for anybody, especially myself.

I want to join the army and get thrown into a war torn country just in the hopes of never coming back. I want to drive too fast and never stop until I hit the wall. I want to run until my heart explodes. I want to drown in a bottle or twelve of wine. I want to find a sharper razor blade. Most of all,I just don't want to do this anymore.........

Then I sit back and I remember the days of antidepressants and how they actually caused my depression to get worse. How they caused me to take all the pills in the world with all the booze in the world and never look back. Obviously, I got the chance to look back. On days like this though, I find it very hard to not reach for a bottle of antidepressants. The only thing that keeps me from not doing so is the realization that if I do, I will surely die.

So after what I refer to as my pity party I start to see little pictures of what my life is really like. My job that I feel I am undervalued at is my one place of sanity and something I love to do. The family I refer to as being selfish are small children and well.... that is what they are until they are older. The friend I refer to would step in front of a train for me, but has found love and is allowed to not give me time right now, but if I asked, I know she would. As for the part about not being a good enough lover for him to be there, this is a situation I have allowed to continue and could end in a second.

All this being said, it doesn't change anything in the end, the thoughts never stop. You just learn to control the impulse to stand in front of the train, to jump off a building, to slice an ankle, to take all the pills in the world, to do anything to stop feeling tormented. To me it is an unending vicious cycle that will end eventually. My only hope is that Mother Nature will be the one to end it, not me.

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