by Robin Landry

Created on: June 29, 2009   Last Updated: April 15, 2011

 Psychologist and author J. Bailey Molineux says that there are two types of unhappy marriages: those that are troubled by constant conflict and those that experience little or no conflict. Somewhat surprisingly, Molineux believes that the second type of unhappy marriage may actually be harder to save. Why? People who take the time and energy to fight may still care on some level. Once a couple becomes disengaged to the point where they can't even be bothered to argue, it may be too late.

So, how do couples not only avoid this type of marital distancing but, better yet, maintain the spark needed to enjoy a long and happy marriage? In looking at the differences between my own very unhappy first marriage and the phenomenally improved state of my second marriage I'd like to share these eight simple tips.

8. Speak Kindly to Each Other

This one may sound like a "no brainer" but I am often flabbergasted to hear how rudely many people treat their own spouses. From strangers on the street to normally cheerful and polite co-workers and acquaintances, there seems to be a disturbing trend that somehow makes it ok to be mean and insulting to the person who should be closest to us. If you wouldn't yell to the guy that cuts you off in traffic that he is a "stupid jerk" or worse yet an "idiot" preceded by an expletive of your choice, why on earth would you say this type of thing to your husband or wife? But how often do spouses hurl these types of insults at one another as a matter of course, often for minor offenses like forgetting to take out the garbage or burning the toast?

7. Treat Yourself with Kindness

Another "spark killer" to a marriage is when we treat ourselves so poorly that we have nothing of value available to give to our partners. Neglecting health, nutrition, physical fitness, personal hygiene or emotional well-being is never a recipe for increasing our attractiveness or our value as companions. Hopefully, we are aware of the positive qualities which we possess that attracted our spouses to us in the first place. If so, then it might be a good idea to nurture and protect those positive traits.

6. Develop Common Interests

Whether it is a sport or hobby, an affinity for a certain type of music, or other shared activities or events, keeping a marriage alive depends heavily on having a variety of things that you both enjoy doing together. Too often partners suffer being "dragged along" to events or activities in which they have no interest in order to have

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