by Lorelei Cohen

Created on: June 29, 2009   Last Updated: February 21, 2010

I admit it, I'm not one to mince my words, and I have absolutely no ability what-so-ever to be conservative in my viewpoint. I am just not tactful. I am not comfortable in social settings. I cannot time the punch line of a joke and if I have an opinion it is going to slip out no matter how hard I try to bite my tongue. This isn't something that has developed overnight, I've always been a little shy, and so not all that comfortable in social situations. Unfortunately I also had the wondrous misfortune to born with all the gracefulness of a newborn giraffe. When all is said and done though this is not entirely my fault, I have tunnel vision, and my shyness may have developed because of my amazing ability to walk into walls and door frames. All this due the tunnel vision I am sure.

This lack of grace is not intentional of course, it just seems to happen, and I have no ability to stop it. I don't mean to offend anyone, and I try just so hard not to say the wrong thing, but it just seems to be a curse placed on me at birth.

So how does one explain this clumsiness to those onlookers who seem to just assume that it is either due to my being stone drunk or perhaps high on some funny little mushroom that I should definitely not be consuming?

Covering for my clumsiness usually requires some quick thinking on my part and this could be the point where all my problems really begin to occur. Where as my mouth has a tendency to kick into high gear immediately, my brain is just a wee smidge slow in it's thinking processes, and this combination often tends to leave me standing alone in a crowd.

"New feet. Got them at Walmart this morning." Yep, greeted with dead silence.

"Oh so sorry, I didn't notice that my invisible mode was on this morning, can you see me now?" Greeted with stone cold silence. I shrivel up and fade into the nearest wall. Sigh!

These phrases sounds so brilliant in my mind, till out they come, and everyone around me stops speaking to stare at me in dumbstruck wonder.

So what catch phrase does my brilliant mind come up with most often, "Pardon my foot in mouth disease but it is nothing that I can control".

"Ooops, pull one foot out and put the other one in", I find myself digging myself in deeper with each attempt to rescue my somewhat tarnished image. It's genetic. I'm sure of this fact. A wizard cursed me at birth, twisted my tongue into a pretzel like knot so that the only words that I can speak are meant to fall like bricks into a china shop window, it's not my fault.

"Just practicing for the Indy".

Even exiting the scene of the crime has to be difficult. When you are clumsy nothing is easy. I feel like a sixty pound weakling disguised in a one hundred and eighty pound body trying to weave my way to the goal posts of a football field. The exit is a hundred yards away and people are jumping out at me like linebackers. I'm guaranteed to have at least one of them them bump or walk into me on my way to the exit. Of course it is never their fault because with my tunnel vision I am incapable of seeing them coming toward me. Somehow this makes it my fault?

Of course usually it is someone with a drink that I collide with. I'm sure that this is just to add insult to injury. It is just so much more humiliating to leave with fluid running down the front of your outfit. Yummy!

"So glad you decided to share that with me. I love red wine. I'll be leaving now".

Exit stage right!

When your social graces are lacking, it is really nice to have a quick tongue, and a good sense of humor.

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