by Alexis Saunders

Created on: June 29, 2009   Last Updated: September 18, 2009

I have had two relationships with men with BPD (for my sins). What is the attraction you may ask.... it seems that their emotions are immature and they become extremely engrossed in a relationship and carried away with it early on, seeing the new person as 'perfect' or all good. I remember thinking it was strange when the second BPD I dated told me he loved me around three weeks into our relationship. Due to this element of extreme romanticism early on it is easy for women to be carried away by the attention and extreme niceness of the BPD male early in the relationship. Both men had a similar history of abandonment or coldness of the mother coupled with a physically abusive father or step-father. The physical abuse was severe in both cases and either for no reason or for normal child type behaviour or mischief. Having the advantage (or not) of having relationships with two BPD men, I strongly believe that there is a deep seated anger towards the mother for being cold but also for not protecting them against the father. For some reason, although able to be extremely unpleasant to people, they were never able to tackle their mothers about this, maybe for real fear of even more rejection, which they just could not face.

However, this resentment towards the mother becomes projected onto all love relationships because once the BPD is emotionally involved with someone they are vulnerable to abandonment and rejection.

In time, as facts come out about the partner or the partner proves to be less than perfect as is bound to happen, the BPD feels betrayed and angry that 'this person too is flawed'. It is all totally irrational but not to the BPD person. The longer the relationship goes on and the more emotionally involved the BPD person gets also causes more insecurities.

The first BPD man had lived his life lurching from one bad deed to another then getting into soft drugs. He became very controlling and eventually threatened physical violence, which is when I got out. The second BPD man was very different, very successful in his career but never holding down a personal relationship successfully and becoming so resentful towards perceived wrongs as to do extremely emotionally abusive and unpleasant things to former partners (as he did me). Yet he never saw this as wrong 'because he felt hurt'. As he felt hurt he believed any action was justified and did not see it as abusive.

I hope there is successful therapy for these abused and damaged people with BPD but it is dependent on them accepting responsibility for their own actions in order to modify their thinking and behaviour and here lies the difficulty. I know that had I criticised either of my partners with BPD, however justifiably, I would get emotionally abused ten times as bad as anything I had said.

Personally, I think the only solution for any partner is to leave, for their own mental wellbeing. No partner should have to be the BPD person's emotional punch bag for the sins of their parents.

Learn more about this author, Alexis Saunders.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.