by Elaine Sihera

Created on: June 29, 2009   Last Updated: June 30, 2009

It is very easy for our self-esteem to take a nosedive the minute we have had a break up, especially when we did not instigate it and feel rejected, because breaking-up is emotionally draining. Nothing prepares us for it. We all want to be liked and desired and tend to judge our worth by the significant others in our life, the ones we admire the most. Once they reject us, we are likely to believe that we are worthless and have no value to anyone else either. It would take quite a while for us to feel differently.

The best way to keep a break-up from affecting our self-esteem is to recognise six main things.

1. Our life is a journey from birth to death. Everything we experience is designed to develop us, to help us evolve, to make us more resilient in coping with setbacks and forms the route to where we are going. Events in our lives are like signposts to the next stage, not ends in themselves. They are means to achieving what we really want. Just because one relationship did not work does not mean there is anything wrong with us. It is likely to mean a need for more experience in dealing with relationships, or a greater understanding of potential partners and their needs.

2. Begin the process of self love by daily affirmations. Most people don't really love themselves at all because they are more used to finding fault with who they are than to appreciate themselves. They expect others to love them instead to compensate for that lack, but no one can love what we reject. We have to start to accept ourselves as we are, to affirm ourselves daily as wonderful human beings before we can begin to love another person and appreciate their feelings for us. We have to stop the self-criticisms and self-negation and be happy with ourselves before anyone else can truly appreciate us.

3. Know who you are. We cannot have successful relationships and greater self-confidence if we do not know who we are, what we want in life and where we are going. Otherwise we won't recognise what we want when we see it. For example, the signs of incompatibility in a relationship are always there at the beginning, but a lack of self knowledge and our desire to make others 'fit' our grand plans blind us to their presence.

4. Accept that life consists of both pleasure and pain. We cannot have one without the other. Like pleasure, pain is a natural part of our lives, a natural twin of the pleasure we seek: birth and death, joy and sorrow, happiness and sadness - they are all double-sided

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