by Tahmina Sattar

Created on: June 29, 2009

I had to learn the hard way the delicacies of raising a sensitive child. Being brought up in a tough family environment had taught me not to be soft. So when my son used to get finicky about which side of the pillow he could sleep on, or insisted on the bathroom mug being hung up to dry - I really couldn't understand him. I felt frustrated and insisted on doing the opposite of what he wanted. This was in my mistaken belief I would be teaching him that he couldnt always have his own way. Sadly I didn't succeed in teaching him anything except how to sneak around and do what he wanted.

I think back and feel that for all the education I had recieved none had prepared me for parenthood. I had believed that the way my parents had raised me worked so it must be universal. Actually this is far from the truth. Even after I realised that I needed help with raising my son, reading countless parenting books and listening to many advice from other parents raising a sensitive child requires a lot more than that.

It wasn't until I had the next two boys that I realised my first born was quite different from the average child and that I could not go on bulldozing over his sensitivities. If he insisted on a certain plate, if he left his pants undone because he found the zipper irritating or if he refused to interact with other children I had to stop pushing him to do what I felt was socially right. I had to stop comparing him to other children and to his siblings. I had to get used to the fact that he is and always will be a sensitive child and no amount of pressure and punishments were going to change him. But I only wished I had realised it earlier.

Unfortunately the damage is done. As his primary caregiver I didn't give him the justice he needed nor the space to thrive and conquer his insecurities. I really regret that. He is almost a teenager, a loving child most of the time but.... our relationship is unsteady. He doesn't feel the need to speak to me about his problems and is always afraid of my judgements of him. He has built a guard around him and is often on the defensive when I have any advice to give him. I guess in his mind he feels its still a battle of wills between us. As a parent that is very difficult as communicating across a battle zone about everything wears out the nerves and with each battle a little more apathy enters the relationship.

A while back, I had visited a psychologist, and it was an important step in the right direction. She allowed me to voice my fears and self criticisms without judging me. She gave me invaluable advice on how to put aside the past and concentrate on the future with my sensitive child. No parent should ever compare their child with another, as every human being is created unique. As parents we need to find the tools necessary to deal with the issues we face with children. In this day and age help is available if we look for it.

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