by Maria Baeck

Created on: June 27, 2009

The modern woman - a chasm of sorts?

A woman is expected to desire certain things. It can be anything from appealing make-up, to children, to a suburbia-lifestyle, to an upward spiralling career. Also, she takes upon herself (another expectation?) to create the perfect home, love her children like nobody else would or could, be best friend + an amazing lover to her partner, and last but not least act as the family organizer/co-coordinator. There is no end, no boundary, no bottom. Sort of like a black hole.

Now, referring to a "black hole" sounds like doom and gloom, but on the contrary it points to women's aptitude to adapting and managing their never ending, ever expanding portfolio of abilities. There is no end to what a woman can achieve, artistically juggling her projects as if she had eight arms instead of only two. And we are applauded for it.

However, how can it be that we now find ourselves circling the rim of this black hole with an ever present sliver of a feeling of never being quite what it takes, never quite covering all the bases, being followed around by a shadow of guilt most of the time perceiving ourselves to being one step behind rather than one step ahead of the game.

It is as if the modern woman has got stuck in a twilight zone, in a revolving door in motion, almost touching the speed of (f)light. I wonder if we have reached a point where our expectations of what a woman should be have been exceeded.

I myself have no children and I am not married (read: I'm single). Back in the days I would have been referred to as a spinster, someone unfortunate, not qualified for marriage. Wait! That is still apt. Well, I might not be referred to as a "spinster", but many people think of me as unfortunate for not being married. Or they automatically assume I'm gay, which by some would be considered equally "unfortunate". Why is that? What does it matter?

When I was younger I was eager to fit in. I was trying to follow what was expected. The so called "concerns" of others occasionally managed to sneak through and hurt me as I felt inadequate for not being married, for not being like "everyone else". Now, we all know that "everyone else" isn't married. On the contrary, which makes the whole thing even more peculiar. If we are as modern as we say we are, if we are as understanding and pragmatic about things as we claim we are, why do we hit ourselves and others over the head with things like "Oh, you're not married", meaning you don't fit the social "standard".

When I'm asked if I have children and I say, "No, I don't", I usually hear a surprised, "Oh!". Somehow I am expected to have had them, and if I don't have any, I'm expected to want them. Well, what if I don't?

I find it interesting that us humans have this need to put labels on people and things. And when we can't we don't know what to do with ourselves, or the other person for that matter. The unknown shows up in the form of insecurity, creating havoc within and without, and things sometimes turn nasty.

I have mentioned the word "chasm" and "black hole" in relation to the modern woman and neither is in a negative sense, quite the opposite. But I wonder when we are going to stop punishing ourselves for being women?

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