by Rita Kirsch

Created on: June 26, 2009

With more and more families separating today, it is important to have some unspoken ground rules for divorce. Many couples find themselves unprepared, emotionally, physically and financially for the pandemonium that divorce can bring. There is no manual. You may find yourself behaving in a way that you do not recognize or, are proud of. That's okay. Divorcing with integrity will likely be the biggest challenge you have faced in your life so far.

Making the transition and moving away from the life that you created with your spouse, is important for a successful change. It's crucial to make the split as constructive as possible. That means leaving the toxic cycle of whatever it was that brought you to this place, behind. You cannot control how your former partner behaves. Remember, you have no right to comment or influence that relationship anymore.

When there are children involved in this process you have to be committed to loving them and parenting them, more than needing to be right. Often when a marriage breaks down, one or both people feel like they were not heard in the marriage or treated fairly. This isn't going to change in a divorce. Your children are not your own personal possessions. They have the right to have a relationship with your former spouse, just as much as they have the right to have a relationship with you. Keep sarcastic commentary about your spouse to your lawyer and do not put your children in the position of reporter. It isn't reasonable for a child to have to ask and answer twenty questions about the single life of the other parent. Asking your child to play messenger is immature and spiteful. This isn't a contest and there are no winners. This kind of vindictiveness accomplishes nothing except placing your child in a position where no child should be in a divorce, the middle.

Non payment of child support is not a reason to suspend visitation of the offending parent. Family Courts deal with these issues and many states and provinces have enforcement laws that include harsh consequences like suspending a drivers license or even imprisonment for the offending parent. If you cannot come to a cordial agreement, turn to mediation to resolve it. Many Districts offer this service for free or a nominal charge. Alienation of parental rights in separation and divorce is a growing problem. When a couple decides to end their relationship, as difficult as it is, it is important to divide your former spouse into two people.

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