by Karen Witter

Created on: June 26, 2009

Duty may bind people to do many things but financially supporting your elderly parents is not one of these things. Such an obligation is not only unrealistic; it is unhealthy and unhelpful. To bind your finances and the finances of your parents in this manner, in most cases, will only bring financial difficulty to both parties, be a breeding ground for bad feelings, and in the end not solve the root problem.

Most modern adults are doing all they can to make ends meet for themselves, their partners and their dependent children. To add the burden of being required to bail out their parents would make financial survival all the more difficult. This is not an ideal world where everyone makes more than enough to live on and no one makes poor financial decisions. Especially in the current uncertain economy, financial surpluses that would enable the support of two households are virtually nonexistent.

The relationship between parent and child would suffer along with the finances. To be obligated to bail someone out of a situation that you did not cause is the perfect circumstance for developing feelings of frustration, resentment and anger. Neither the child nor the parent will be satisfied with the arrangement as their lives become more entwined, enmeshed and entangled. Co-dependency has long been recognized as a problem and this is co-dependency at its worst.

In the beginning, throwing money the problem will temporarily fix the situation. But it will not even begin to address whatever it may be that caused the problem in the first place. The source must be addressed. Is there large debt that is causing the problem? Is it a matter of spending exceeding income? Or is it something more troubling like a gambling addiction or alcoholism that caused the financial problem in the first place? Merely giving financial support in these circumstances only exacerbates the problem in the end.

Both parent and child would be much further ahead if they could sit down as equals and tackle the financial problem head on. Examine all the contributing factors and look for a realistic solution that doesn't include child supporting parent. Consider seeking the advice of a reputable financial counselor. Look into programs that offer benefits to the elderly. Contact the local office of the aging and community action group. Be prepared because this will not be easy. For many, talking about money is difficult to virtually impossible, especially if they are having money trouble. For others, talking about money is taboo. The direct approach may be more challenging initially, but will be more beneficial to all parties in the end. Remember to be as honest, gentle and respectful as possible during the problem solving process. That is where your duty truly lies.

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