by Karen Witter

Created on: June 26, 2009

The way to honor the memory and life of a person who has died is to tell the accurate story of the life that person lived. Flowery speeches that paint a person larger than life and elaborations of good deeds seem appealing at the moment, but they end up hollow and meaningless, painting an artificial; one dimensional picture. Instead, share honest memories that don't shy away from the qualities that make us all flawed humans.

Sensitivity and compassion are required however. Now is not the time for airing dirty laundry and dragging family skeletons out of the closet. Use wisdom and tact in determining what to share. This is not the time to go for the shock factor or to try and earn a guest spot on The Jerry Springer Show. Don't belabor the negative but at the same time, don't pretend that it didn't exist.

Air brushing perfection works in photography but not in memory. The less beautiful qualities of a person are not going to be forgotten just because that person is no longer living. Desiring to erase a part of someone, is not only impractical; it is impossible. The truth of who they were and how they lived cannot be changed by carefully chosen words.

Not only is the practice of painting the deceased as a saint hard to swallow, it is actually detrimental and divisive. Tale tales that attempt to canonize only highlight the very thing they were trying to hide. They highlight the elephant in the room. Such prevarication causes alienation and anger in those who are listening and don't recognize the person they remember in the sappy sentiments they are hearing.

Healing and community happen when an anecdote is shared that people can nod their heads and agree with. Even if the narrative highlights emotions like anger, frustration, impatience, or selfishness, it will draw people together if it is accurate. The sense of not being alone in pain is freeing. The burden of grieving truly is reduced when it is shared. The grieving process is never an easy one and to not have to walk this painful road alone is a great gift.

All of us have character flaws. All of us have attributes that are less than lovely. To deny that we fall and fail is to set others up for more spectacular falls and even greater failures. To deny the ugly, is to deny our humanity. To deny our humanity is to also deny all that is amazing and lovely and wonderful about being human. This is the greatest disservice of all.

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