by Christine G.

Created on: June 26, 2009

Effective parents give their children roots and wings, knowing that their primary task is to work themselves out of a job. Growing children need security, stability, and structure to provide a foundation for exploration. As well, they need encouragement to assume responsibility, test the validity of their perceptions, make choices and deal with the consequences. Fostering independence in an age-appropriate way is an ongoing parenting challenge, requiring a major investment of time and energy.

Successful parents realize that what was good for Grandma may not be what is best for their own children. They take steps to educate themselves so they will understand what to expect at each phase of their children's development. They observe their children carefully for clues indicating the readiness of each child to learn new skills, follow instructions, and take responsibility. Child-development books provide general parameters, but the details vary. Each child is on a unique journey to adulthood.

Encouraging independence is not the same thing as indiscriminately allowing children to do whatever they want. Strong boundaries allow children to safely enjoy freedom within those boundaries. A child who has been trained to obey safety rules, come home at a predetermined time, and complete homework and chores before watching TV is a child who does not need to be micromanaged.

It requires time and patience to allow children to learn new skills and practise them. It is hard for a busy parent to wait for a toddler to put on his socks when it would be so much easier to do it for him. When a young child spills her milk, a parent can mop it up with an impatient rebuke, or encourage her while she does her own clean-up. When a child is clearly doing less than he is capable of, it is easier to look the other way than it is to take the time to insist that he do the task again. When a child is confronted by a problem at school, the temptation is strong to fix it for her instead of exploring options and helping her make her own decision and carry it out. Each step along the way, parents must ask themselves what is in the best long-range interest of the child.

One of the hardest things for loving parents is to allow their children the experience of failure. Children often have unrealistic expectations, and are sure that they can make things work out their way, even if they have been warned that success is unlikely. It is unwise to bail children out when they have miscalculated. Making unfortunate choices and coping with the consequences is an important part of growing up. A child who never fails is a child who is overprotected, and ill-equipped to deal with the challenges of the outside world.

Good mentors are an invaluable resource, especially during the junior high years, when the peer group rules and parents are wrong about everything. A coach, teacher, activity leader or even the neighbor's older teen can provide the stability of mature experience. Parents who enjoyed being the central authority of their children's lives may resent the power of mentors. It is important to realize that, just as the two-year-old found a sense of self in the power of the word NO, the adolescent needs to declare independence from parents. A mentor can help fill the gap between parental authority and teen rebellion.

If parents challenge their children to do just a little more than they think they can, give them responsibility, hold them accountable, encourage them to widen their horizons, support them in times of crisis without bailing them out more than absolutely necessary, and let them know that they are loved, they will raise children who can cope with whatever life throws at them.

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