by Jennifer Searle

Created on: June 25, 2009

Asking someone to forgive you is a humbling experience. After we have done something that has wronged another person, we often seek to remedy the guilty feelings within ourselves by asking for their forgiveness. Sometimes we receive what we are seeking, amends to the broken relationship, but sometimes that relationship just can't be fixed with an "I'm sorry."

If after a sufficient amount of time has passed since the transgression, we seek absolution, but we find that the other party is not ready to put the situation behind them: What should we do?

-Write a letter.

An old-fashioned hand written letter is still one of the best ways to apologize to someone we have wronged. A heartfelt, sincere apology letter can be not only an avenue to gaining the pardon we desire, but can also help us to move on should the relationship end.

-Acceptance.

We have to accept that the person we have wronged may choose to not forgive us. We can ask them to forgive us until our dying breath, but we cannot coerce someone into choosing to forgive us. By asking someone more than once to forgive us, we are trying to control their behavior with annoyance. We may think they will come around if we keep asking, but sometimes it has the opposite effect. Accepting that our apology has a fifty-fifty shot, is an idea we must entertain.

-Move on.

We asked for forgiveness and they said, "No." Now what do we do? It's time to move on. Our action severed the relationship with this person. The wronged party decided to move on from the relationship and now we must do the same. This person may be a loved one or a friend, but regardless of the ties, there will be no reconciliation.

To move on we must examine our part in the ending of the relationship. Maybe we were too critical of that person. Maybe we said something or did something atrocious. Maybe we broke their trust in us by whatever we did. Nevertheless, it doesn't matter how or what we did, we must accept the responsibility for having done it in our own mind, forgiveness or no forgiveness.

Learning from our bad behavior, so not to repeat the mistakes in the future, is how we grow as a human being. There is always room for self-improvement when it comes to relationships with others.

We also have to understand that there are going to be some relationships that are doomed from the beginning. Unless we have committed some type of horrible crime, a healthy, strong relationship will always have forgiveness for even the most horrific of verbal sins. Therefore, when faced with a relationship that does not withstand the test of forgiveness; we must admit the faultiness of the relationship and look to find a new relationship that maintains the bond throughout difficult times.

It can be hard to lose a close relationship. We must mourn the loss of that relationship just as we mourn any loss. Once we grant permission to ourselves to mourn that loss, we can then move forward on a new path to finding healthy relationships in the future. We can better ourselves from learning from our mistakes. A relationship without forgiveness is no relationship at all.

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