by Barry Parham

Created on: June 24, 2009

Evil, Inc.

Health Insurance. A good thing, unless it kills you.

Of course, that's just silly. Health insurance can't possibly kill you, because you never actually get any health insurance. What you get is a health insurance policy, written by some deranged lunatic, sitting in a dark bar booth at 2am, with a legal thesaurus and a "How To Cheat At Scrabble" paperback, near the tailing end of a probably toxic and definitely criminal bout of participation in Intravenous Tequila Injection Nite.

But actual insurance? Not likely.

I have hypertension, aka high blood pressure. My condition's been noted by several former future wicked-step-ex-wife candidates. I'm occasionally tense. On edge. Grumpy. Just a bit. And discerning damsels often look askance at such eruptions. I mean, I didn't get to my age, still single, simply because I can't fold a fitted sheet.

But this specific condition is manageable, thanks to medication, unless you actually go get the medication. At that point, you careen into a cruel feedback loop that goes something like this:

* You have a trivial tiff with your girlfriend over her platonic relationship with 115 pro wrestlers

* Your blood pressure goes up

* You kill her car

* Your lawyer bungles the case, due to his having been at Intravenous Tequila Injection Nite

* You're strongly advised to seek professional help

* Your doctor prescribes high blood pressure medication

* You go to fill the prescription

* You see the price of the pills

* Your blood pressure goes up

* Your health insurance provider (Evil, Inc.) rejects your claim

* Your blood pressure goes up

* You refuse to pay the premiums

* Evil, Inc. kills your car

And so on.

There's nothing you can do, because it's clearly noted on page 3,271 of your policy, about half-way down the page, that hypertension drugs are not covered if your lawyer has ever been in a bar, or passed the bar, or had a bar-mitzvah, or worn mitts, or dated a pro wrestler.

I did discover that my policy would cover what is known as "generics." Generics are the exact same drug as the "name brand" version, except they don't have Marketing's massive overhead, and were prepared in an abandoned puffer-fish slaughter-house, and were dropped on the floor a lot. Turns out the generic for my prescription has two additional characteristics: it's much less expensive, and it doesn't exist. (see feedback loop)

And then I discovered that anything else purportedly covered by my health

• 1
• 2
• Next Page >>